Ok…I’ll play, All My Children

It’s interesting how the slightest bit of dialogue can divert a viewer like me into a place where she creates her own dialogue.  Last week, Kendall opened the door to Ryan-self-styled-god-of-all-men-gift-to-all-women Lavery.  He opened with the statement… “Am I…?”… how he finished that statement is a mystery to me, because immediately in my mind I envisioned Kendall completing that sentence with:

a tool?  Yes!

a boil on the ass of humanity?  Yes!

the man any woman would punish herself for waking up next to?  Yes!

a narcissistic son-of-a-bitch darkening the doorstep of all decent townfolk? You betcha’!

I spent much of the time following his opening statement continuing with a  list of what I thought of as appropriate responses to his query.  Unfortunately, by the time I woke up from the haze,  Zach was nuturing “poor Reese” and my stomach muscles gave way… making it possible for me to relive my lunch.  The next time some says “better going in than coming out”, I’ll know FIRSTHAND what they mean.

AMC has a curious problem.  Great characters, save a few, an incredible history, and like GH, probably one of the most recognizable soaps in daytime.  People who’ve never seen a daytime soap have probably heard of Erica Kane, the show’s signature diva.  They’ve at least heard of  Susan Lucci if they’re not sure of the character she plays.

So why the commitment to such SUCKAGE!?!??!

David and Krystal?  They WORK as a couple.  I don’t know why –  other than the fact that both are a little bit/whole lot sleazy and always seeking to prove to others that they’re not.  Maybe it’s that they’re both equally deluded about Babe’s status as a (once) living saint – that’s a lot of deluded thought between the two of them.    David and Krystal don’t need the added stupidity of trying to steal Little A away from JR (throw in a “Spike” here and a “Greens” there and the writers should really rethink the nicknames for their characters).  It’s tired, it’s old, and the idea that they have to wrest custody of  ‘precious’ away from ‘the Dark Lord Sauron” keeps me from tuning in more than a day or two at a time.  AMC is just too painful to watch!

I don’t know if the writers are intentionally playing this storyline for comedy but it’s working as comedy for me.  David, probably the biggest sociopath in AMC history,  is concerned about JR raising his grandson. Heaven forbid that JR only teaches the kid to drink excessively rather than how to slip drugs to unsuspecting women, among David’s other fine acts of ‘heroism’.  JR has had fits of madness on occasion, but he’s a damned better person than David has ever been.  And speaking of what once was:

The current show makes me long for:

  • the days when Brooke English and Erica Kane were chewing scenery in a knockdown drag out.  I think it’s time for Brooke tocome back, adding a bit of dignity to this show, and to have the upperhand on Erica.  It’s time!
  • the possibility of seeing anyone named Tyler!  I miss the Tyler’s and the expanded Martin clan.
  • Tom Cudahy.  I want him back full time as well.  What conflict would there be with Tom and Brooke remembering Laura, and his current relationship with Olivia (are they still together)?    Wouldn’t JR’s drinking storyline make more sense if he was mentored by someone who’d been there an survived alcoholism?
  • the days when AMC didn’t destroy it’s glorious ground-breaking history.  I’d accept any storyline to undo the unabortion.  There’s just NO WAY Erica’s child came back from an abortion, NO WAY.
  • Nina and Cliff (no need for Bobby to return).  I want them around either full time or visiting frequently.
  • Opal and Palmer on frontburner, and possibly Daisy making trouble in their lives, but not because she wants Palmer, but because she believes she’s entitled to half his estate and we find out she actually is!  Imagine some odd couple sistuation in which Daisy and her new love live with Opal and Palmer until the legal mess is resolved.
  • a reach back in AMC history.  I wonder if Devon an Lynn ever met up in another place, at another time.  Are they together, now?  Could they return to Pine Valley and have NEITHER of them fall in love with Zach or become pregnant by him?  By AMC standards, the lesbians like ‘the Zach’.  Apparently they have to work hard to resist him.
  • Where is Mark?  Shouldn’t Erica have more family around her now?  She’s lost so much, and stands to lose more the way this show is going.
  • Dixie!  I want her back with Tad.
  • An Erica romance.  I want Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery to find happiness, at last.  How could Eric possibly do better than to be with Jackson Montgomery?

In short, I pretty much want anything other than most of what’s airing now.

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Kendall-Ryan-Emma

Ryan is THAT man.  You know the one, the man who can never be alone for long.  It makes him edgy.  Every time you see him, he’s with someone new and he never seems to think it’s strange that the paper towel sitting on your kitchen counter has outlasted the last three relationships he’s been in.

Ryan and Kendall weren’t playing it for comedy, but it sure as hell didn’t stop me from laughing as they told Emma about Greenlee’s death.  Cam Mathieson is pretty damned hot, but the whole weepy cow-eyed thing he does when Ryan is “sad”?  EH… I could live without it.  But that’s not what gave me the big giggles.

The whole time I watched Kendall and Ryan break the news to Emma I wondered how much better those scenes would have been if Emma looked up at Kendall and asked her if she was going to help her daddy put Greenlee’s things in a box, just like daddy and Greenlee put her mommy’s things in boxes.   That’s the natural progression of a relationship in little Emma’s life, thanks to daddy.  Of course, it doesn’t bode well for Kendall that every woman who loves Ryan ends up with her things in a box ready to be shipped to soapgod knows where.  But he is Ryan, and that’s not supposed to matter.  He’s special.

Emma lost her mother when Annie was locked away in an institution and was almost immediately given a ‘new mom’ in Greenlee.  Greenlee dies shortly after and now Kendall is there, holding her, telling her that the replacement mom is now an angel (or maybe just looks like one… flying off the end of that motorcycle in a wedding gown and veil. Just sayin’).  Clearly, it was impossible for Ryan to tell Emma on his own.  He’s THAT man… the man who can’t do anything without a woman there to adore and support him.  Who knew that Annie was actually the stable one in the relationship?

The writers will probably allow Ryan to grieve, for at least a week or two.  He’ll then end up consoling Kendall.  He’ll help her ‘heal’ from her feelings hurt of betrayal thanks to Zach/Bianca/Reese.  It will be hard, at first, but his heart will go on… and then I think we’ll end up watching a love quad with Reese/Zach/Kendall/Ryan…

I should say that YOU”ll end up watching that quadrangle, AMCers… I’ll be watching The Guiding Light.

Oh AMC writers, did you have to?

Soapgod knows I already hated Ryan “godofallwomenifonlyinmyownhead” Lavery, but you had to throw Reese in there too?  Let’s for one moment ignore:

1.  that Reese thought it was ok for a married man to impregnate her girlfriend without telling his wife (her girl’s sister).

2.  that she betrayed Binks with Zach and left her feeling insecure.

3.  that she even thought of leaving Binks and their daughters behind to return to Europe

4.  that she had a fiance she hid from Binks.

5.  that she snarks on Kendall as if KENDALL  has done something wrong.  She thinks Kendall hates her just because of the way she looks at her.  HA!  I look at her that way too!  I wonder if it’s possible for soap characters to catch viewers’ reflected images through the screen?  EH!  Of course not… but for a moment, I thought maybe Reese was mistaking the disgust viewers’  faces must show every time she dumps on Binks or Kendall to excuse her inappropriate relationship with Zach.

6.  Reese’s ridiculous overreaction to her mother asking if two of the guests at the bridal shower were also lesbians.  Mother Willians was curious, and she was smiling and laughing at the playful affections between the two friends.  Reese, in essence, created the picture of a robe-and-hood wearing bigoted mother who hates all others different from herself.  It’s too bad that her mother only smacked her once.  I wanted her to give Reese a slap from me, too.

Oh Reese, projection much, dear?  Worried that your mother is uncomfortable with you identifying as a lesbian, though she loved you enough to put her issues aside in order to be at the shower supporting you?

WHO, exactly, is uncomfortable with your identification as a lesbian?  Ah, that’s right, YOU are.  It’s why you keep swapping saliva with your bride’s brother-in-law.  To hear Reese whine that ‘those people’ make her question who she is is pretty much akin to nails on a chalkboard.  Maybe in her world ‘those people’ is actually code for ‘MY ACTIONS’.  Darlin’, it’s impossible for ‘those people’ to make you forget who you are.  You NEVER had an idea who you were/are/is/whatevah.

Even if we could forget all of that, is there any hope of salvaging this character?  Is there anything left to her, other than her fabulously talented portrayer, Tamara Braun?  Is it time to kill this one off and bring her back as her far more likable twin sister?  Too often used?  I see what you mean. 

It’s time for Annie to pull a two-fer, Ryan and Reese… Tamara Braun could turn up as a long lost Zacchara cousin… Could fans stand to have three of the four actresses who’ve played ‘Carly Corinthos’ on screen together?  I’m willing to give it a shot if it means we get rid of Reese!

4 words: Monkeys. Typewriters. Locked Rooms

You know the old writers’ insult, “Monkeys banging on typewriters could do a better job!” Imagine if you not only handed a room full of monkeys a set of typewriters (uh, keyboards), but you then locked them in. Well… that’s ONE way to force them to concentrate on completing your scripts, but watch out! Locking them in a room might add insult to injury and monkeys are pretty vengeful. They also have a pretty wicked sense of humor. Make sure you READ the scripts before you film and then air them for long suffering fans.

One Life to Live

Bitchy Marty, Bitchy Tea, Bitchy TeBessica… ‘effin.love.them.all.

Jessica apologizing and groveling at Natalie’s feet? No thanks. I felt sympathy for Nat “the outsider” for about 10 minutes. I’m over it. She’s still sleeping with the man who cost her sister’s husband his life. An accident? Sure… after months of deceiving him and destroying everything he’d built for his family. I’m hoping Tess and Bess have teamed up to finish taking Nat and Jared down – without plotting anyone’s death, by the way. Abject misery is enough for me, thanks. Tea taking guff from Blair? I don’t think so. Tea and Blair live different realities. Tea is a badass by nature. She’s shown tremendous growth and change and I love how spunky she is. Blair? Badass, on occasion, doormat more often than not. The woman slept with Spencer Truman just after Todd, the ‘great love’ of her life, was sentenced to execution. Despite every reasonable warning to the contrary, she made Truman a part of her children’s lives. My money is on Tea. Marty Saybrooke being left alone with Janet Ketring/Lee Halpern? Seriously, were the monkeys also STONED when they banged out that moment? Writers, keep an eye on the script monkeys, they’re making you look bad!

It’s annoying enough that Bo and Nora’s situational ethics drag every other living Llanview resident through the muck, but Bo and Tahlia leaving JK/LH alone with an angry and self-destructive Marty? The woman tried to force Todd to commit suicide for what he did to her (with JK/LH’s help). So they let her confront JK/LH, alone, wearing a coat which could very well have contained a weapon, and carrying an uzi sized purse? They actually LEFT the motel? I have to say, violence isn’t my thing, but I got a chuckle out of JK/LH cracking a vase over Talia’s head and taking off. Too bad Bo didn’t get one of those, as well! You’d think JK/LH was a witness for the defense  for as careless as they’ve been about her safety.  It must be nice to be pals with people like Bo and Nora. They use their offices to go after people you don’t like if you’re a friend, no matter how flimsy the evidence, nor the cost to the good folks of Llanview.

Oh, and locked-away-typewriter-banging monkeys? Less smug from Antonio and Nora, please. They’re on the side of RIGHT, and they leave me wanting to see Tea wipe the smug off of their faces – unless that’s what you wanted and then I feel played (well done). If I’m wrongfully faulting you and it’s the choices made by the actors, please speak to the director and ask him to handle it.

The Bold and The Beautiful

Bridget is a designer now? You magnificent vengeful monkeys, you! You really did get the last laugh, didn’t you? I wish I could laugh with you, but I can’t. It hurts. Did you have to pay the writers back at the viewers’ expense? An accelerated undergrad preMed program, supposed ‘years’ of study in medical school. Internships, Residency, saving lives, bringing babies into the world, bringing her aunt Katie back from the dead, saving her brother from jail following Phoebe’s death… and Bridget wants to give it all up to start designing for the company that just ripped off her father’s and brother’s newest collection. Bridget… giving up medicine for THAT!

She’s doodled haute couture  gowns for years and was just too afraid to tell anyone?  Her work is even better than life-long designer Clarke Garrison… stuff she sketched when not practicing medicine 23/6 and no one knew?  Uh, because despite the fact that EVERY one of her adult sibs, her nieces and nephew, and BOTH of her parents work in the fashion industry, she was too afraid to tell them she has a passion for fashion? Ok, works in your universe, but typewriter-banging-monkeys, if the writers don’t feed you, refuse to type out scripts on an empty stomach. It makes you a little loopy.

This wouldn’t hurt so bad if it weren’t a follow up to the “fabulous Paminis”… Pam Douglas, insta-designer with a CROCHET technique so secret that only Pam can churn out the one of a kind hot yarn bikinis… So what is Bridget’s Auntie Pam kicking out? 20 a day in the Forrester sweatshop? Monkeys, explain yourselves! Is there something in the air at FC that makes anyone who passes through the hallowed halls a genius in the design world (all except Clarke it seems)?

Guiding Light

Alan wanting revenge against a cheating Beth? I get that. For once in his life, Alan is as devoted as he’s ever has been to a woman, maybe the most faithful he’s ever been. (Beth hasn’t been faithful to anyone since she was a teen) She  gives birth to his child, while still raising his grandchildren and making him part of their lives.  Then she cheats on him. He now knows that he’s met his match in Beth.  No one loves Alan as much as he loves himself.  Ditto on Beth. He’s sleeping with his mirror image and it’s driving him mad, life is a cruel mistress, Alan.

I WANT Alan to make Beth miserable, and not for his sake, but because Beth is supremely selfish and sucks as a person. BUT…Alan grabbing the letter opener, TWICE (something TPTB aired when the scenes picked up with a third and fourth time during the next day’s episode, too)? Good mercy. Giving the audience the impression that he would just as soon plunge the opener into her heart because his heart was broken? YIKES!

I don’t remember Alan being violent with women, especially not to the point of contemplating a brutal death for one. He likes owning and controlling women, but he likes owning and controlling everyone. He usually shows more finesse. The old Alan would have had Coop arrested on some trumped up charge, claimed ‘Company’ for himself – leaving Buzz penniless, and set Beth up to think she was going crazy again just to get custody of Peyton. He would have done it all before lunch!  He actually would have kept Buzz on at the restaurant he stole from him and had Buzz SERVE him lunch. Alan is psychotic, but he’s no thug.

Monkeys, you owe the GL writers an apology for what you’ve done to their beloved Alan Spaulding. Shame on you.

All My Children

Zach. Killing Josh. Fathering Gabrielle. Eye-boinking with Reese. Expecting Kendall to understand. Vicious little typewriter-banging-monkeys… You’ve outdone yourselves. I actually like the potential fallout from this one. No criticism, here. This is all soapy goodness. AMC was lucky to have you on staff when you wrote that part of the plot. Kendall, forgive Binks, Reese, and Zach. PRICELESS!

While you’re at it, write that script where David Hayward is loving and unselfish, Adam Chandler has sworn off manipulating the people he loves, Erica Kane gives up designer clothes and all other perks of fine living, and JR Chandler stays sober! See how silly it all seems that anyone would expect forgiveness from Kendall? Whatever she does to them, they’ve got it coming. Maybe Zach should keep a picture of his happy parts in a safe location. The doctors will need it when they’re working on the reattachment and reconstruction!

I can’t give you a pass on Amanda’s pregnancy, however. Does anyone remember the last daytime pregnancy where the mother knew who her child’s father was (Binks excluded, of course) and there was no scandal around the pregnancy? (Whoops, Binks back in!) Why another contested paternity? It’s not like there’s been a shortage of them.

Then again, you’ve been writing for Annie and she’s freakin’ wonderful, so it all evens out in the wash!

What is the point of gay characters in daytime?

There are signs of progress and regression in daytime regarding sexuality . Writers have shifted from introducing gay characters and then writing them off shortly after, to keeping gay characters onscreen longer and developing storylines around them.

AMC’s Michael Delaney and Devon McFadden, ATWT’s Hank Elliot, and OLTL’s Billy Douglas and Daniel Coulson have become AMC’s Bianca and Reese and ATWT’s Luke and Noah. Progress.

Regression is evident in the lack of commitment to gay couples. By keeping gay chararcters on longer writers appear to be confused about what to do next. Gay doesn’t even mean happy for such characters as writers have decided that all should be deeply tortured about their sexuality even when in loving relationships – adding a layer of psychological distress their straight counterparts don’t have to deal with. Others struggle in the midst of primarily unrealized relationships, where there’s love without loving touch, or romance without commitment.

I’d given AMC’s writers high praise for making the commitment ATWT’s writers seemed to be afraid to make. Then both storylines regressed to nearly the same point. Luke questioned Noah’s sexuality without cause to do so, Reese is now physically attracted to Zach.

Even the now defunct Passions, a show that arguably had the highest commitment to advancing relationships between its gay characters, wrote one of the partners as intersexed, living as a female at times. The other partner was happily married -while on the down low.

. While some daytime execs appear to be concerned about not catering to ‘agendas’, I have to wonder if they aren’t moving too far in the other direction. Do they run the risk of promoting the false beflief that sexuality (but only as it pertains to gays and lesbians) is flexible? ‘

If the point of creating the new class of gay characters is to celebrate diversity and provide an accurately reflective image of real life, take a big girl/ big boy pill and do it.

ABC: doing what it does best!

No one pulls a storyline out of their…. er… out of left field like ABC soaps!

All My Children – Betrayals come in threes!

I’ve never been in this situation before, so you’ll have to forgive me if this is no big deal and it’s all much ado about nothing, but is it common for a woman’s husband to donate sperm to impregnate her sister for the sake of allowing said sister and her partner to become parents?  What — the— ****?  My brother-in-law has helped me move before.  I forced him to take a gas card as compensation. That’s the ONLY exchange we’ve ever had.  It’s the ONLY exchange we’ll EVER have.  Soapgod love crazy soap characters!

I’m sure we’re supposed to think of Zach as having a HUGE heart and as being kind and loving toward Bianca.  The trouble is that his actions weren’t exactly kind and loving toward his wife.  Where, and at what point, was he going to tell Kendall?  As I understand it, the backstory is that he donated his DNA on an off screen European visit to his sister-in-law and her girlfriend, Reese, this past summer.   Neither Binks, nor Zach, thought it was important to share that bit of news?  What happens with Miranda and the new kid? Their fathers are/were brothers.  Does anyone plan to share that news with the kids?  Will Zach allow Miranda to believe that she is his father, too?  His children are double related all the way around.  New baby is the 1/2 sibling of Miranda, and a 1/2 sibling to his child with Kendall.  Kendall is Bianca’s 1/2 sibling.  Kendall is taking care of Ryan’s child Emma, and is the mother of his son, Spike (making Emma and Spike 1/2 sibs)

Clearly, I’m speaking only in terms on DNA.  Emotionally, they’re all connected and bonded as family, regardless of the DNA contributions. Maybe that answers my “what happens” question.  They’ll just all be one big happy family… but C’MON.  At least half of those kids are going to have to disappear, at some point, while new characters are brought to screen.  They won’t be able to date, otherwise.  The Lavery-Montgomery-Hart/Slater children are more than half of the child population of Pine Valley, now.  Methinks Zach will soon be wishing that the only thing he gave Bianca in Europe was a bouquet of flowers.  MEN!

Why wouldn’t Bianca and Reese find a donor in Europe?  Why not find a donor, and preferably not an in-law, from Reese’s family?  What kind of man are we to believe Zach to be, after this?  What kind of sister is Bianca?  In terms of sheer soap drama, this is DELICIOUS (oh yeah, ALL CAPS).  The question remains, who’s left standing at the end of this circle of betrayal?  Betrayed by her sister AND her husband, who had to know that she would have wanted to be in on this decision?  I don’t know what sort of woman comes back when Kendall wakes up, but I sure hope she’s the ass kicking kind, because this storyline makes it clear that there are a couple of asses in need of kicking, folks!

Speaking of betrayals, what would make Jesse believe that it was ok to marry Angie again, letting her believe he’d lived a solitary life without her, and only NOW tell her about his other “wife”and child?  Hey there writers, again, DELICIOUS, but our Jesse Hubbard was never a coward.  He would have told her right away.  Knowing that Laura Koffman is the role of “Rebecca” and that there will be fire works between the two women has me on the edge of my seat.  (Shame on you, OLTL, for not bringing LK back, yourselves!).  I’m planning to not miss a single moment of the Oct. 28th meeting.  NO!  I’m not anxious to see two women battle.  I’m hoping the fireworks sparked will include a fight about who gets first dibs joining Kendall in kicking boo-tay!  I’ve loved Jesse from the day the character aired, but he’s got it coming.  He not only left Angie and Frankie, but when he returned, he returned full of lies, deserting yet another family in the process.  Who does he think he is?  Adam Chandler?

Outside of AMC’s onscreen shenanigans, what do YOU think about the off screen news of Rebecca Budig leaving AMC?  After a much hyped return, it must be a huge blow to TPTB who heralded the return of the “REAL” Greenlee.  Since I enjoyed the recast and the depth Sabine Singh gave the character, I’m not exactly upset by the embarrassment TPTB must be feeling at this point.  I have only one request.   When Greenlee goes, have her take Annie and Ryan with her.  I would have asked that Babe, Krystal, and Kendall hit the bricks, too, but NOW?  Hell, I can’t wait for Kendall to wake up and find out what her husband and sister have done with her.  Babe is already gone and we got David back in her place (uh -YAY!), and Krystal and Erica going at it over Adam?  Ok, I’m intrigued!

General Hospital

Not for nuthin’ because I’ve already mentioned it, just briefly, but what’s the freakin’ deal with Olivia and Connie/Kate?  Did Connie-Kate ever warn Olivia that she was going to get back together with her father’s child?  Did she tell her cousin only after the accepted proposal and impending wedding?  So many levels of betrayal.    Connie-Kate betrays Olivia (who seems to not be as shaken up by it as she should have been).  Connie-Kate betrays Sonny by keeping Olivia’s secret.  Olivia betrays Sonny by keeping him from his child.  Olivia betrays her son (who won’t turn out to be Spinelli after all) by keeping his paternity from him.  Sonny betrays us all, leaving viewers to scratch their heads.  Fans  thought Sonny had only recently become lax with birth control.  It’s been a life long habit for the guy.  Who knew?

Sonny’s punishment for his inability to keep his pants zipped, and for being unable to protect the women who are foolish enough to love and trust him?  Yes, that’s right, Claudia  Zacharra… fitting.  How long before Claudia bears the man a child, too?

Fans aren’t disgusted by characters betraying one another, we look forward to it.  It only upsets us when the writers treat it as ‘no big deal’.  These people have been gazing into one another’s eyes, whispering sweet nothings (alternated by times of condemning and judging one another) — and lying all the while.  Well played, bitches, well played.  Writers? DO SOMETHING, make it count!

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