Bad Day – Worse Day – Just Be Glad That…

Bad Day?  Your mother wants you to call her new boyfriend ‘uncle’ (Liberty Ciccone, As The World Turns).

Worse Day?  He really IS your uncle.

Just be glad that… he’s your father’s brother and not your mother’s brother!

Bad Day?  Your mother sleeps with the man you love.

Worse Day?  Your GRANDMOTHER sleeps with the man you love (Chelsea Brady, Days of Our Lives).  It sucks to have a hot grandmother, doesn’t it:?  Kate Roberts has never been the type to sit home and bake cookies.

Just be glad that… he didn’t sleep with your great-grandmother.  Dude, you just can’t live something like THAT down.

Bad Day?  Your favorite daytime soap goes dark.  A show that was once filled with love, romance, and laughter is now a show about death and destruction.  I’ve never forgiven General Hospital writers for killing Justice Ward and stuffing his body in the trunk of a car.. Justice FREAKIN’ WARD… a Quartermaine heir!  Fargin sons of bastiges!  ICEHOLES!

Worse Day?  Not only does your beloved show cling to the dark side, featuring an endless “murderous mobsters with hearts of gold” storyline, they begin casting actors who are renowned for playing mobsters in film and primetime.  Sopranos onscreen capo Vicent Pastore (Big P), welcome to the show.  Just know that we don’t fault YOU! 

Just be glad that…  the dipwads in charge didn’t cast Pee Wee Herman as the new mob boss.  GH’s lollipop mob already lacks credibility.  Danny Vermin was more believable as a mobster. They don’t deal drugs, they don’t push prostitution (any more), they don’t take protection money… Good luck, Vinnie P.  You may have just lost YOUR mob character cred!

Bad Day?  You find out your psychotic sister, Pam Douglas, hasn’t been taking her meds in more than three months (Stephanie Forrester, BnB).  She decides to ‘protect’ and help you by tying your rival to a chair, smearing her with honey, and enticing a bear to attack the ‘hot tamale’ now married to your husband…

Worse Day?  She fails.

Just be glad that… oh hell, there IS no silver lining here!  She FAILED!

Bad Day? AMC’s Erica Kane has a bit of a fit when she finds out that her protege has spent the night with a man she still deeply loves.  It prompts a battle between her inner angel and inner devil.  The inner devil wins.

Worse Day?  No one notices, Erica’s inner devil almost ALWAYS wins.

Just be glad that… Erica doesn’t have a twin!

Bad Day?  Your husband’s tragic and violent death triggers your alter personality to take over and cause you to turn into a raving lunatic who develops an evil plan for revenge (Tess/Jessica Nash, OLTL).

Worse Day?  No one notices the change in behavior.

Just be glad that… well, I was going to say ‘see Erica Kane’, but Jessica IS a twin.  Just be glad that she hasn’t been widely exposed, yet.  Tess is such a great bad girl and Jessica will be home, soon enough.

Bad Day?  You risk your own life to rescue an ex-husband who likes to periodically remind you that you were once a stripper.  He tops it by telling you you’d be nothing without him. (Nikki Newman, Young and the Restless).

Worse Day?  When you find him, he’s such a bastard, you forget why you wanted to rescue him in the first place.

Just be glad that… you’re not the recently deceased ‘Mrs. Great Man, herself’ he’s grieving for.  What’s that?  Oh, I know that the recently deceased ‘Mrs. Great Man, herself’ has a name, but she’s married to ‘The Great Man, himself’, so whatever HER name was just isn’t important.  Don’t beleive me?  Just ask Victor!

Bad Day?  Your sister-in-law poisons you and no one figures out it was poison until much later (BnB, Eric Forrester).

Worse Day?  She nearly took you out by adding an overdose of potassium to the lemon bars she bakes for you.

Just be glad that… your name is not Dixie Martin and that AMC writers aren’t penning this storyline.  Dixie was killed by posioned peanut butter pancakes! It’s rough out there in soap land, no wonder they’re all so skinny.  Daytime characters need food tasters.

Bad Day? You pay a man to ‘scare off’ a woman you hate.  You save her just as he’s about to sexually assault her – you save her because you’ve just found out that she’s your daughter. (Olivia Spencer, Guiding Light).  He later kills your friend’s daughter and eventually escapes prosecution.

Worse Day?    You offer to pay him to sleep with you because you’re lonely.  Oh yeah – they roll that way on Guiding Light, these days! 

Just be glad that… you’re not watching.  I’ve seen the ratings, you’re not!

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The most pleasant surprises

There are soap events I never expected to like (or hadn’t even thought about) until they happened:

YnR –  I love the Victor/Nikki dynamic, when it’s not abusive on his end.  I love that Nikki feels something so deep for Victor that it hits her so unexpectedly that she has no idea what to do with it.  Victor’s boat washes ashore and Nikki begins drinking again thinkng the great man, himself, is dead. KUDOS to the writers.  Even though they somehow managed to forget about Victor’s vasectomy and had him get Sabrina pregnant, they made good use of Nikki’s earlier troubles with alcoholism.  I can’t wait for the promised fireworks when Mr. Mumbles and Nikki are reunited.  You know he’s going to break the magical spell MTS’ Nikki is casting and he’ll be total bastard to her.   More is the pity.

Nikki’s drunken rants to Katherine?  PRICELESS.  That’s when you know who your real friends are, and the friendship between these two women is legendary. Not many women in daytime are written as having long-term friendships. The writers deserve credit for realizing how perfect this one is.

General Hospital.  It’s been difficult for me to see Sonny as a leading romantic lead since the end of Sonny-Brenda, and then Sonny-Carly.  Every other woman he’s been with is just another putrid shade of ‘Agent Hannah Scott’ – Oh the horror.  I don’t know WHY it works, but Sonny and Kate work wonderfully well.  There’s an ‘almost’ respect Sonny has for Kate that he hasn’t had for any other woman.  He’s softer with her, more gentle.   She’s less obnoxious with him.  The relationship with Kate hasn’t changed my mind about Sonny or Kate, individually.  They both drive me batty, but together they have something new and different.

I also love the new dynamic between Carly and Jax.  She’s working hard to stop him from becoming a grumpy old man, and he’s working hard to help her grow up before her children do.  They feel like an old married couple,  with a lot of hot passion.

Guiding Light… <sigh>  I despise ‘G’.  Grady is a boil on the butt of daytime.  YET, I gotta admit to being mildly entertained by his call to the police to report Rafe.  If only the cheesy one-cop-with-a-bullhorn scene hadn’t followed.  The house was surrounded?  Really?  Next time?  Spring for a full police force.  Grady phoned in a call about hostage taker loaded to the nines.  There should have been a SWAT time surrounding the place.  I actually changed the channel after watching that scene, and almost forgot to tune back in.  Glad I finally remembered that GL was on,  because I enjoyed watching Grady snicker while he held Daisy – pretending not to know about Rafe being arrested. 

Ah… if only he hadn’t been such a lowlife when he was first introduced.  Attempted rape, and then murder is something very few characters have been able to come back from.  I don’t see Grady as being one of those who will make a come back.  Too much has happened and the writing for him is too weak.   I have a feeling the conflict between Cyrus and Grady is setting the stage for his departure.  Cyrus is finally opening his eyes to what sort of person his brother is.  At some point, Cyrus will have to set aside his guilt over not being around for Grady’s childhood, and he’s going to have to turn on him.  Oddly enough, I’m looking forward to that day (assuming the writers eventually get it, that it has to happen in order to save Cyrus).  I’m not looking forward to it JUST to get rid of Grady, but because any conflct scenes between these two brothers has to be explosive!

As The World Turns.  Seeing Lucy Walsh onscreen more than once a week?  I never expected to see it happen again in my life time.  Thank you writers.  Watching La Walsh fall for yet another sleazy guy in the workplace?  No thank you, writers.  I’m hoping Lucy picks up on Brian’s act and nails him before… he nails her… ah!  You knew that was coming.  Kudos to those who viewers who’ve suggested that Brian COULD be Craig, with reconstructive surgery.  I don’t know how to feel about that (since Scott Bryce and Hunt Block are the only actors I’ve been able to love in the role).  I’d love to have Scott Bryce back if Craig resurfaces. 

I <gulp> liked Holden and Carly’s date.  I liked that it was so awkward.  I liked the fact that Holden tracked Carly down when she ran out on him, to prove to her that what they have is real.  It’s the first decent thing Holden has done since this wacked out relationship began.  I’m starting to believe that Holden’s feelings for Carly are real and that it’s not just about sexual gratification for him.  Having him show up at Carly’s and refuse to give up on their relationship, for just a moment, reminded me of ‘Holden the stable boy’… hot, smoldering, and irrestible… 

ATWT fans are clamoring for a Katie-Brad baby.  When would they find the time? Katie and Brad have been pretty busy raising Liberty and protecting her in way that her mother can’t, or won’t.  They’ve proven themselves to be the great parents (much like Tom and Margo or Kim and Bob).  I get it, Katie/Brad fans, I get it.  I’m with you.  I’d love to see these two focus on their family and have children.  There’s something special in the relationship between these two characters.  I’d love to see MORE Katie and Brad, LESS Jack and Janet and LESS Liberty and Parker.

One Life to Live – Two pathological people.  Double the mayhem?  Double the trouble?  No, double the fun!  Todd and Tess, the uncle niece from hell.  There’s an obvious connection that Tess and Todd have that Jessica and Todd could never have.  If only they weren’t working hard to cover up the fact that Todd is hiding Marty – that’s just creepy on both ends.  Tess felt she was ‘held captive’ when Jess resurfaced – not a twinge of sympathy for Marty?  Oh well.  Hey, writers, why not have Tess and Todd running ‘The Sun’?  Why not have them team up in business?  Despite the fact that they’re both a brick shy of a load, having them work together somehow makes each of them seem less psychotic.

All My Children – Annie!  Annie, Annie, Annie… the writers wait until the very end to make her interesting?  WTH?   Too bad, this show needs a character like Annie.  Dealing with a dillweed like Ryan would push almost any woman over the edge, at least Annie’s insanity is entertaining.  I want Annie to stick around, and make the rest of Pine Valley miserable, at least until her plots are foiled she moves on to the next one. Can you imagine and Annie-Adam pairing?  Krystal, who?

Men without balls – The YnR Edition

Victor and Nikki

If I compiled even a short list of men without balls in daytime,  it would far exceed that of the manwhore list I compiled earlier.  What’s happened on The Young and The Restless?  Victor was once a tough competitor in business and a man who trampled anyone who got in his way.  He became the stuff of legend.  Men who would rather be roasted on an open spit ALIVE- before admitting to watching soaps, acknowledged loving Victor.  He made you want to hate him and cheer him on at the same time.

Now?  He’s a real jerk.  What is it about this man that makes him think it’s ok to keep going eyeball-to-eyeball with Nikki and attack her?  She said what she needed to say to him, and took his abuse in return.  She walked away.  Was there a reason the writers had him watch her move around the room and then approach her yet again to demean her?  Have the writers forgotten that MOST of the viewing audience is female?  Do they really think women find it appealing to have to put up with a man who ruminates on the last angry thing he said, and then tracks you down to take another angry swipe?  It’s makes Victor look petty, and mean… and dangerous.

He’s no longer a heroic “anti-hero”.  He’s just a bad game of quarters or some other drinking game.

1.  Take a drink every time Victor tells his wife what a loser she is.

2.  Take a drink every time Victor tells Nikki that she’d be nothing without him.  Drink twice if he reminds her she was just a stripper riding a pole before he met her.

3.  Take a drink every time Victor says ‘no one disrespects Victor Newman and gets away with it.

4.  Take a drink every time Victor refers to himself in third person.

For some daytime couples, there’s an angry banter that shows a passion shared between them that far exceeds any feeling they have for any other person (GL’s Josh and Reva, BnB’s Brooke and Ridge, GH’s Sonny and Carly).  The ‘banter’ between Victor and Nikki isn’t exactly banter.  It’s verbal abuse.  Rarely does Nikki get to step up and defend herself.  Victor demeans her, Nikki takes it.  The writers allow her to remain pretty much speechless and embarrassed.

Just once I’d love to see Nikki give Victor a good right cross, maybe a round house kick, or if we HAVE to be socially appropriate – maybe she could remind Victor that given the number of wives he’s driven away, it’s about time he realized that the problem isn’t the women who’ve come and gone, but the bastard they left behind.

I’m now sorry that Sabrina will be killed off, and not because I give a damn about the character, I don’t.  I’d have never written the character in, she never served any real point.  I’m sorry to see her go because it’s just one more opportunity for Victor to play the martryr and for him to remind everyone of how they ‘disrespected him by disrespecting the woman he loves’ (oh, and take a drink).

David, David, and David…

Riddle me this, whacked writers, if David Chow was a hit man running from his past, why the hell would he have chosen such a public profession?   This turn of storyline rates right up there with the thinking anyone cares about the snooze inducing Cane and Lily – who are such a sorry couple they have me rooting for Chloe.  The Chow storyline rates up there with the daily balladeering of that 13 year old kid (adorable, but I can’t take another tune), the completely uninteresting death of Ji Min, and Victor impregnating a woman after TWO vasectomies.  Yeah, yeah, I brought it up before, but it’s always worth it to stick it to the writers who can’t seem to remember even the major plot lines 

This show may as well be renamed ‘Fantasy Island’.