Inglorious Bastards

No, not ‘Basterds’, that’s Tarantino’s deal.  The IB’s I’m (lovingly) referring to are the daytime writers who have yet to give up on trying to pull one over on the fans!

One Life to Live

1.  I’d appreciate it if someone would explain to me why Cole and Starr (of ‘We’re Cole and Starr’ fame) would think it was ‘ok’ to involve  Starr in Cole’s ‘21 Jump Street‘ drug operation.  From there, “Stole” proved that neither will ever be a member of the Llanview brain trust!  I was  stupefied  after they  involved their innocent defenseless baby to give ‘credibility’ to Cole’s cover.   Why didn’t they stage a break up before having Cole go ‘undercover’?  Why not have Starr and child leave town for a while?   Oh, I get it!  “There is no ‘Starr and Cole, they’re fictional – THEY didn’t do it”!  “It was all the writers doing”.   That won’t stop me from cringing whenever Starr and Cole are on.  The longer this pairing goes on, the weaker the writing  for them becomes.  It’s increasingly more difficult it is to like them and I find myself resenting the airtime they’ve stolen from veteran characters.  The characters are consistently placed in storylines that are ‘too adult’ for them and the integrity of the storyline suffers as a result.

2.  I don’t care who Rex’s father is… it’s dragged on too long without enough plot points in between to keep me curious.  Now I’m just annoyed every time the topic comes up.  Rex is a freakin’ private investigator.  He must really suck at his job if he can’t figure this one out.  Isn’t it just a tad bit odd that he can figure out that Tea has some deep dark secrets, but can’t find his own father?  It’s also odd that he can’t keep up with Stacy’s mustache twirling  machinations!

I love Stacy Morasco… oh yeah, I said LOVE, but it’s evident that while her engine is on, there’s no one behind the wheel.  If SHE can outsmart Rex, time and again, he’s working with a single digit IQ.  I’m going to hate myself later for admitting this, but I’m thrilled at the thought of a Gigi Schuyler pairing and a Rex and Stacy pairing – if only because Stacy will make sure Rex stays miserable for a LONG time.  What irony that Ilene Kristen who played Ryan’s Hope’s scheming bad girl (Delia Reid Ryan)  could become the onscreen mother-in-law of a similar character!

3.  Fish and Kyle.  Daytime writers seem to believe that all gays have a traumatic coming out experience.  While it may be a difficult moment for some, will OLTL writers ever give the audience a gay character who isn’t closeted and terrified of coming out?  I lived through the Daniel Colson storyline.  I would have much rather had Fish avoid Kyle because he gave his heart and soul to Kyle in college and Kyle cheated, lied, and was generally unconcerned about anyone but himself.  That’s VERY consistent with the scheming, lying, blackmailing Kyle we were introduced to.

At some point, writers, can we please just have gay characters who are actually HAPPY with their lives, and not afraid that their friends and family will turn on them?  Am I watching too much Miami Social?  (Yeah, I should be ashamed of admitting that too!  That cast of real life characters puts the ‘super’ in superficial!)

General Hospital

1. Oh those sneaky GH writers!  They’ve pulled a fast one.  Every FBI agent, or undercover cop, ever sent to ‘take Sonny down’ ended up falling for  Jason’s pecs, Spinelli’s wit, or the magic of Sonny’s pecker (Hannah, Reese).  So how have the writers topped themselves?  HA!  It’s the fruit of Sonny’s loins (product of the pecker)  who is now being sent to take him down!   Marked improvement, writers, really… only not!  It’s a given that Dante Falconeri won’t end up carrying Sonny’s child and wouldn’t want to even if he could, thank the soapgods.  Unfortunately there’s no guarantee that Dante won’t go the way of every cop/agent before him and end up loving his papa, Sonny,  so much that he turns on his profession to protect him.

Even though I’m having a hard time buying Dante as Olivia and Sonny’s kid, I’ll suspend disbelief if Dante is allowed to put the mob storyline to bed, rather than climb into bed with the mob  when all is revealed.   (I can’t be the only one who thinks that Dominic Zamprogna’s Dante,  looks more like Olivia’s older brother than her son!  David Lago would have been a much better choice given the character’s supposed age, but since I’m enjoying DZ in the role, I can live with it).   Let’s hope that the revelation that Sonny is his father will mean that Dante becomes more determined than ever to shut Sonny’s operation down.  If Dante doesn’t actually signal the end of the reign of the mob boys,  GH is doomed.  The writers either have to send them to prison (won’t happen) or have them leave their lives of crime (can’t see this happening either), but things can’t go on as they are.

2. Nik… calling Emily Rebecca a ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ and repeatedly making reference to how easily she ‘spreads her legs’… just lovely… As much as I despise Rebecca, I would have cheered her on for slapping ‘Prince Nikolas’ out of his shoes, thank you very much!  If I recall, Nik was as ‘slutty’ as Rebecca.  She wanted money, he wanted an Emily substitute and tried to give it up to her much sooner than she was willing to give herself to him.

Why do I feel the need to shower after watching GH?

The Bold and The Beautiful

Speaking of showers, did anyone watch KKL’s Brooke and HT’s Taylor mud wrestling scene?  Obviously, I didn’t, but as I understand it, the actresses (their characters) took a ‘mud bath’ to cleanse their toxins and a fight broke out between the characters.

What’s up next?  The Brooke and Taylor accidentally fall into a vat of jello and begin  fighting?

A pillow fight breaks out and they ‘accidentally’ start ripping each other’s shirts open?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, The Bold and The Beautiful writers.

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The first thing we do? OLTL?

Copyright ABC (2008)

Let’s rid ourselves of all of the bad editors!  (if you don’t mind the turn of phrase).Most of what took place on OLTL this past week pleasantly surprised me.   Even my well worn remote would like to take this moment to thank the writers for relief.  It pretty much had the week off with One Life, since I don’t remember hitting FF once this week.  The only big shocker for me this past week  were several pretty lousy editing choices, one in particular.  I’ll get to that in a moment.

Soap-heaven help me, I still like John and Marty.  The only thing that’s harder to take than a dark and brooding John McBain is John McBain in love.  ‘Happy’ John and ‘Brooding’ John are pretty much one in the same.  It’s just at times tough to watch a man who SHOULD be filled with joy behave like a man whose problems could all be solved with the help of  a good laxative.  Wardrobe, could you PLEASE at least put on a brightly colored shirt under his dark suit jacket and dark coat, to go along with his dark pants and dark shoes so that we know the difference between Brooding John and Joyous John?  Thanks!

John’s reaction to Marty as she flashed back on her the manipulated-rape sex with Todd was a reminder that there are soap writers who still realize that it’s so much easier for fans to root for good men – we get so few of them in daytime.  Many of us still love men who are sensitive to the needs of others, rather than focus on themselves  and their own pain.  LOVED that moment when John reminded Marty that he was always willing to wait for her – she’s worth it.  LOVED that the writers didn’t follow that scene up with John immediately running to someone else to flirt with or have sex with while Marty was working on her recovery.

Copyright ABC (2009)

The only thing that made the scene even remotely awkward was watching Blair seduce Todd at the same time Marty had difficulty being touched by John because of Todd’s assault of her.  If the writers wanted to make some of us squeamish about Todd and Blair, job well done.  Otherwise?  Bad editing job on this one.  It made Todd and Blair seem completely disconnected from the world around them, belligerently insular.  They seemed to not care about how much damage had been done to others in their time apart.

Blair, who was disgusted by Todd’s treatment of Marty, seems to have absolutely no qualms about his actions, now.  She was disgusted enough before to want to keep his children from him.  Now?  She can’t keep her hands off of him.

I would much rather have had long soulful talks between the two rather than strip scenes and “shame-filled” sex. The problem with the writing for the once magnificent Todd and Blair is that that the writers don’t seem invested in having them break the inch deep-mile wide pattern they’ve established as part of their courtship.   OLTL writers have seem to always bank on the hard work of Kassie DePaiva and Trevor St. John in winning back fans to the ‘Todd and Blair corner to bring romance back to the show.  I think they’ll have to reconsider, this time.  Too much damage has been done and an instant reunion most likely won’t give them the bump they’re looking for.  How instant is instant in their case?  Todd/Blair reunions can be summarized by the following dialogue:

“You hurt me” (Todd to Blair, Blair to Todd, it doesn’t matter).

“I’m sorry” (Todd to Blair, Blair to Todd, it doesn’t matter)

“Stay away from me” (Todd to Blair, Blair to Todd, it doesn’t matter)

“You don’t mean that” (Todd to Blair, Blair to Todd, it doesn’t matter)

They have sex… AND SCENE!

Where is the discussion about what they want and why they want it?  What about some insight into why they dragged Marty and John into their psychodrama?  How about some part humorous/part dramatic couples counseling for them?   What about real consideration about Tea’s feelings?  It’s bad enough that Todd cheated on Tea after she put everything on the line for him, her life included, but he then lied and said that it meant nothing that he’d had sex with Blair.  If it wasn’t a lie that having sex with Blair meant nothing to him?  It makes his actions even worse.  The writers rubbed salt in fans’ wounds by having Todd coldly state to Blair that he was leaving her to go after Tea ‘because she’s worth it’.

Hells bells, people, you know that despite Tea’s fault, I’m a fan of the goddess of grand bitchery but for TODD to state who is ‘worthy’ and who isn’t?  Well that just burns my grits.  I would have loved watching Blair  get up off the chaise lounge and slap Todd back to his infancy (which would finally allow his external state match his internal state)!   Marty, Tea, Blair, his sister Viki, and even his own daughter, Starr… just how many women in Llanview are going to end up emotionally scarred thanks to this guy?  Taking Todd down the dark road for the sake of pimping “Starr and Cole” is a decision that still haunts this show.  The writers haven’t been able to find their ‘Todd mojo’ and get anything right with this character since then.

Despite the detour and bad editing, I enjoy Marty and John.

What else was there to love?

Copyright ABC (2009)
Copyright ABC (2009)

1.  Greg turned out to not be a big a jerk as he originally seemed.  I liked that he experienced pangs of guilt about running out on Destiny and realizing that he’d hurt her with his actions.  I still don’t like the guy enough to have Rachel walk away from Shaun and fall into Dr. Dork’s waiting arms.  I just like the idea of Shawn and Greg working out their differences for their sister’s sake.

Lovin’ the OLTL writers for giving us this little family.  It’s so unconventional and I can’t wait to see where they go next.  Don’t make me eat those words, writers.

2.  I uh… liked Destiny last week.  If you’re shocked, imagine how I feel.   I’m starting to see what the casting directors saw in this kid when they cast her.   She’s growing in the role and learning to convey a vulnerability that’s refreshing in a teen character, given the rash of adult-themed storylines daytime writers have been pushing for young characters, lately.   It will be interesting to see where the friendship between Destiny and Matthew goes.

3.  I uh… liked Starr last week.    Still in shock here!  The discussion between Starr, Cole, and Jessica was so rational and thoughtful, I have to classify it as the high point of my soap watching week!  Alderson held her own in scenes with Buddy and Williamson.   Scene chewing is not her thing so this emotionally low-key scene felt genuine and believable.  I have to admit that the discussion between Jess and Cole sparked my interest most.  Er, NO, I don’t want to see them as a couple.  I’m giving kudos to the writers for creating such a layered scene.  Both made the connection that they were both ‘in recovery’ and made poor choices because of an inordinate amount of pain, but that they both needed to take responsibility for their own actions.  Both Jess and Cole realized that they had to forgive others as they needed to be forgiven.  For a brief and shining moment, I felt that I could honestly tell my friends who don’t know that I watch soaps about the show … well done, writers, well done!  It was good enough for prime time… 😉  Ouch?

4.  Wish I could give a crap about the Stacy storyline, but I don’t.  I don’t even care who Rex’s father is any more… just.not.interested!

While Starr moved one step closer to being a ‘real mom’, Gigi took a step back for me.  (Wait, I’m getting to it… there’s something I like about this storyline, hang on)… It was odd to watch her encourage Shane’s hatred of  Aunt Stacy no matter how much of a low life Stacy has been.

I had to wonder if there wasn’t a unconscious attempt to warn fans about the perils of being a young mother – since it appears that they’re avoiding that ‘lesson’  of young parenthood with Starr and Cole.   Gigi applauding Shane’s comic book character (skanky Stacy?  Sleazy Stacy?)  REEKED of an immature mother dragging her child into her baby’s daddy drama.  A mature mother would have told Shane that his feelings of anger are appropriate, but that it’s also appropriate to feel sorry for Stacy for what she’s become and to hold out hope for her.   The Gigi-Shane scenes skeeved me out a bit, I gotta’ admit.

SO, here’s what I loved

A –  That the ‘secret’ is finally out in the open.  I was tired of this storyline about a month before it began (damn you spoilers!)

B – That there’s a possibility of a Schuyler-Gigi pairing – the actors have an amazing onscreen chemistry.  Rex and Gigi have been terminally cute.  Schuyler and Gigi have the potential to be hot!.  Having Rex sleep with Stacy and lie about it after treating Gigi like such dirt for so long makes Rex and Gigi a dead pairing for me, for now.  No matter how many things didn’t add up, Rex refused to believe the truth and painted the Scarlett ‘A’ on Gigi’s chest – clearly tempted to use her own blood to do so.  Let Big Rex, and little Rex, sit on the sidelines and watch Gigi happy with someone else for a while.

5 –  I’ve never been much of a Bo and Nora fan… but they’re reeling me in.  Poor Clint… Sorry guy, I think I want to see a Bo and Nora reunion.  Clint and Nora seem to have been killing time for a while now.  Send Clint home to Viki (sorry Charlie!)

Which one of you BITCHES is my mother!?!?

Why is it that the best ‘soap’ moments don’t come from daytime soaps at all?  If you got goosebumps reading the subject header, you remember the infamous scene from ‘Lace’ in which celebrated wild child, Lili, confronts Pagan, Maxine, and Judy.  The latter three have been best friends since their days at boarding school, so much so that they hid a pregnancy – refusing to tell which of the three was pregnant.  Together they placed the child for adoption.   Lili is that child.  While adopted by a lovely couple, Lili’s childhood was miserable following their untimely death.  She  was forced to ‘survive’ in the most unlikely of ways.  Though now incredibly wealthy and successful, Lili is equally angry at the three for having abandoned her  (they believed she was killed in the war along with her adoptive parents).  Lili sets each of the three women up to lose everything they hold dear, unless they answer the long-held hair raising question… one of entertainment’s soapiest moments is found 1:28 into the video:

You really want to know which ‘bitch’ is it, don’t you?  Fine… here you go:

Where is the same level of camp/drama/intrigue in daytime?  Where  is the lovely but infuriating clever ingenue who steals your heart, but makes you lose your cool all at the same time?  She is not alone in being missing in action in the soap genre.  Daytime is woefully short in offering two types of characters that have typically driven soaps in the past:

1.  Empowered women. The empowered woman’s motto is, ‘If they screw with you, pay them back tenfold’.  The empowered woman in daytime is unapologetic for being smart and in control of her own destiny.  She does not suffer fools gladly.  She  knows what she wants and she’s not afraid to go after it.   Her strength is a true strength, and not psychotic and controlling behaviors reinterpreted as strength – as with bat crap crazy BnB’s Stephanie Forrester and GH’s Helena Cassadine.

 She’s equipped to stand her ground in the boardroom, in her romantic relationships, and in all other aspects of her empowered life.  Take, for example, OLTL’s Rachel Gannon.  She’s a second generation empowered woman (as far as we know).  Daughter of the legendary ass-kicking Nora Gannon Buchanan, Rachel fought a drug habit, served time in prison, is now a drug treatment counselor,  and a woman slowly falling in love with a good man – the damned sexy and cuddly Shaun Evans .. who has a rich, powerful, sleaze for a brother.  You can see where this is going, can’t you?  Hang on a minute.

Empowered women still exist, they’re just often revamped to play ‘weak’ and ‘whiny’ women who have to beg forgiveness when they’re mistreated by the men in their lives, or by others.  If they’re not completely destroyed, they’re placed on the backburner once daytime writers decide that they’ve had enough with all the ‘grit’ and ‘courage’ and they replace her with knuckle-drooling counterpart – weak women whose claim to fame is compliance and acquiescence – deference to the mindless soap male.  It’s why I’m sure that in short order, Rachel Gannon will fall for the sleazy brother, Dr. Gregory Evans.  She’ll want to ‘save’ him from himself, and she’ll hurt sweetheart Shaun in the process.  

The dialogue that follows?  “We didn’t mean to hurt you!” … “It just happened”….” If I could take it all back”… and then the years of affairs, maltreatment, excuses, and bitter triangles in which she’ll have to fight off Greg’s other ‘great love’ begins… for you dear soap fans, not for me.   As I’ve taken the BnB off my playlist, the OLTL is soon to follow should the storyline play out as it seems.  What is it with OLTL and the siblings/shared lovers storylines?  Layla/Cristian/Evangeline – Bo/Nora/Clint – Stacy/Rex/Gigi,  and now, most likely, Shaun/Rachel/Gregory.

2.  The Vixen.  Unlike the empowered woman, she fights from a position of fear, anger, and insecurity.  Her motto is ‘Get them before they get you’.  She’s more likely to wreak havoc and create hell in the lives around her  and not because she’s necessarily evil, but more so because she doesn’t know any other way of existing.  DAYS’ Melanie comes closest to a real live ‘bad girl’ in the mold of the daytime classic over-the-top troubled vixens, but I need more. 

Remember GH’s Lucy Coe when she was first introduced?  Oh.Dear.Soapgod.  Who could have seen that one coming?  That Lucy was involved with bad boy Kevin was a given… it was clear that the mousy librarian was protecting him.  That the ‘mousy’ librarian wasn’t mousy at all, but a studded collar short from being a dominatrix?  SAY WHAT?  No one I knew who watched soaps then had ever seen anything like it.  Sadly, I suspect we’ll never see anything as off the wall wonderful as Lucy Coe again, not in daytime (OH, and SHAME ON YOU, GH.  In  a recent interview, Lynn Herring (Lucy Coe) reveals that she made it clear to TPTB that she was open to reprising the role… they weren’t interested.  GH’s loss is As The World Turns’ gain.

I’d hoped that  OLTL’s Stacy would become Lucy-esque, she had such potential – but the writers took it one step twenty steps too far.  Not only did Stacy drug  and try to seduce Rex Balsom, the object of her obsession, her sister’s fiance, and father of her only nephew  (pretty tame for daytime vixens, however), she went as far as allowing her sister, Gigi, to believe that she would allow Gigi’s son, Shane,  die unless her sister turned Rex over to her.  That’s pretty psychotic for a daytime vixen.  If there was ever anything to root for as far as Stacy was concerned, that storyline killed it.   Had the writers had Stacy fake being the donor, with Roxy and Kyle’s help as she was already doing,  Stacy as a vixen could have survived.  She could have then played off of Rex’s gratitude to slowly seduce him away as  Gigi was heavily focused on Shane’s recovery.  The writers could have set a trusting Gigi up to ask Rex to play ‘nurse maid’ to her recovering sister.  Allowing a mother to believe that you would let her son die, for a roll in the hay?  Bad.  When the child’s mother is your own sister?  EVIL.

Without it’s heroic empowered women and mischief making vixens, daytime has me tuning elsewhere for interesting characters (real or fictional).

(OLTL) Shut your pie hole!

While all of daytime has me rolling my eyes lately, OLTL – in particular wins the ‘shut your pie hole’ awards.

Jared wants to tell the truth because it’s the right thing to do?  While I can appreciate the fact that even JARED sees the irony in his statement about what’s morally appropriate, it still galls me that he’s shown little concern for how the news of the real Chloe’s death will impact Jessica.   Nat wants to protect  Jess and now feels sorry for her?   Both of you,  SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!  This whole mess got started because Nat wanted to stick it Jess and Jared wanted to help her.  I’m sickened at the thought that Jess will lose Chloe after losing Nash  – both lost because of Jared and Natalie. IF ONLY there was some way to make that child hers.  If not? It’s time to bring Tess back and let her finish what she started!  It’s time for Jared and Natalie to go.

As if causing Jess even MORE grief wasn’t bad enough, what about the pain Jared and Natalie are causing ME!??!  I’ve struggled hard to accept the new ‘grown up’ role for Starr Manning – I have.  The problem is that it’s just not working for me.  I don’t know how you feel, OLTL fans, but this new set of storylines does NOT play to Kristen Anderson’s strengths.  I think the writers moved Starr into pseudo-adulthood too soon.  The emotional scenes appear forced and far too artificial for me to connect to.  Starr’s scenes with ‘Chloe’ make me cringe.  The thought of more scenes of “Starr” and whining Marcee McBain locked in a custody battle over Hope (we’ve lost Hope, we need Hope, our Hope is gone – UGH)  makes me want to set my television on fire.   Damn you, Jared and Natalie, damn you!

Nora vowing to take down Cole?   I’ve officially had my fill of Nora “the ethically flexible D.A.”  The truth is that I was done with her years ago, during the fights with Lindsey and the affair with Sam when she passed ‘Sam’s child’ off as Bo’s.  (Apparently no one knows how to perform in vitro in Llanview.  They’re GREAT at trauma medicine since it’s the only thing docs in Llanview ever practice.)   Had it been someone else’s child, Nora would have most likely been fighting to get Cole into drug and alcohol treatment, family counseling to reunite him with his mother,  and had him doing community service by  talking to high school kids about drug use.  She’d have railed at the system for letting a villain like Todd go free while a young man who made a horrible mistake is being severely punished.  She MIGHT have even quit her job in protest and defended Cole, herself, if the D.A.’s office chose to press charges. 

She’s always been ‘flexible’ when it comes to helping her pals and granting them the grace and mercy of the courts.  Intimidating a teenage boy and making him feel as if he should be buried UNDER the prison for his actions?  Bite me.  Does Cole deserve jail time?  Sure.  He chose to take drugs and get behind the wheel of a car disregarding the possible harm to others.  Does he deserve Nora’s disdain?  Sure!  But just ONCE I’d like to see the self-righteous Nora Buchanan choose to exercise discretion and say nothing.  Nora?  SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

BTW, SoapNet is linking to this appearance by Kristen Alderson and Brandon  Buddy on the Tyra Banks show.  The OLTL  actors demonstrate different aspects of teen dating violence:

Ray Montez now faults Todd because Tea didn’t work fast enough to get him out of prison… REALLY?  REALLY?  Buddy, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!   Is there some right of passage for Llanview residents that states that they MUST have conflict with Todd, of any sort regardless of how ridiculous it is, before the other Llanview citizens will play nice with them?  Ray could have hired another attorney.  He could be angry at Tea, alone. OR he could have realized that Tea wasn’t capable of moving any faster because his daughter didn’t know her well enough to open up to her.  The idea that Ray now hates Todd inspires me… to YAWN.  There’s far too much for this guy to do onscreen instead of going after Todd Manning over something so trivial.

Stacy Morasco, a potentially fabulous character and a throwback to what a TRUE bad girl should be… so I guess it makes sense that the writers made her a cartoon villain in record time.  WHO takes a completely fabulous gift like Crystal Hunt, sees the awesome mess she’s able create onscreen through Stacy, and turns her into one of the most unlikable characters in daytime? 

Stacy tells Gigi that she deserves to have Rex because she’s a million times hotter/way hotter?  Juvenile, but HILARIOUS that it’s her meter for determing what ‘love’ is.  God bless gorgeous Farah Fath for not slapping the writers when she read that script.  If the writer who added that line isn’t on crack,  I don’t know how else to explain that comment.  With true ABC sensitivity to women, I thought the line might be followed up with “and I’m the REAL Gigi”.   It was an awful thing to do to Fath. 

As for Stacy, there’s no ‘love to hate’ left for a character who tells her grieving sister that she either has to give up the man she loves, the father of  her child, or watch her child succumb to leukemia… SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, Stacy, you whack job.  What could have beeen ‘love to hate’ has just turned into utter disgust.  What were the writers THINKING?  If Crystal Hunt can pull the writers’ fat out of the fire after this blackmail plot, it will be a miracle.  The whole scene was ugly from start to finish!