RHOBH: Kyle Richards, my new reality TV bad-ass housewife fave!

For me, the “Real Housewives of…” series has become an interesting study in the de-evolution of women who, at one time, must have considered themselves rich, powerful, or at least in control of their lives in some way.  Women who started out having conversations about their children, marriages, and power business moves in earlier seasons later behaved as if they were auditioning for positions with the World Wrestling Entertainment organization! Marvelous?  That is left to be decided by individual viewers.  I only know that I’m more fascinated by the transformation, than the hot mess that comes along with it.

Each episode I expect the housewives to stand just a little farther apart from one another, just in case a random slap, kick, or hair pull takes place.  If I lived with the RHOA, RHONJ, or RHOM crews, I’d walk around in a suit of armor (in the event that someone broke through my line of bodyguards).  These three franchises are, in my unscientific review of prior seasons, the three which are most likely to break out in a physical fight no matter what the location or seriousness of the event.  They put the “K’ in Klassy!  For RHONY and RHOC – I’d carry aspirin and earplugs – the screeching and verbal intimidation would be enough to push me over the edge.  Sure, they spell classy with a “c”, but my guess is that while they can spell it correctly they can’t define – pardon the few exceptions in each franchise. (I hope we get to a point where none of the RH of any franchise uses the word “class”. I am of the Anderson Cooper school of thought, if you’re using the word and not referring to your children in school – then you shouldn’t be using the word at all.)

RHOBH is a completely different animal.  Even with the introduction of Brandi Glanville, most of the RHOBH have maintained their dignity and not fallen too far over the Bravo cliff.  There have certainly been tense moments and raised voices in Beverly Hills, but the larger Beverly Hills game seems to be stealth set ups, angry aggressive glares and angry confessional interviews talk.  VIEWER.HEAVEN.!

Kyle Richards has become my new fave RHOBH housewife.  She is working on becoming my fave RH, across franchises!  Of sure, she is not living her life to make me or any other viewer happy, I get that, and it’s what makes her pure GOLD this season.  While some housewives are trapped by the cycle of drunken debauchery and permanent snark (fun within limits), Kyle opened the door to the life she seems to live outside of the show. While Carlton Gebbia dreams of Kyle (or has premonitions, intuition, and other psychic connections), Kyle is busy hosting a fundraiser with Jamie Lee Curtis.  Brandi Glanville is breaking her hand, Kyle Richards is turning that broken hand into psychological insights and emotional breakthroughs for Brandi.  Yolanda Foster is pruning lemon trees, Kyle is snarking Carlton’s bitter nasty attacks into comedic GOLD!

I honestly expected Kyle to let it all go when Kyle began ranting during Mauricio and Ken’s joint birthday party (Klassy move, Carton).  Kyle tried keeping the peace with Carlton all season.  Instead of expressing her displeasure with the constant “tits on an ant” attacks, she unloaded on Carlton during the confessional interviews.  The worm turned at the dinner party.  Kyle refused to allow Carlton to spew odd accusations that she’d been attacking her.  She did not save her displeasure for the confessional, well done.  It seems, to me, that rather than confront Carlton directly, the other housewives have turned away and ignored her actions for the sake of a false peace (Yolanda in the lemon grove with the women, painting lovely pictures for her daughter while Carlton ruined that moment with antagonistic talk).  I knew Carlton was in trouble then.  Yolanda tried to ignore her and the BFF/crush Brandi thought Carlton was a bit over the edge.

Given rumored fan frustration with Carlton, I am happy to hear more of the HWs speaking out about her actions (Brandi in particular).

Tonight, I’m preparing to watch the Brawl of Shame, Part II, as I’m watching, I’ll be thinking about the snarkfest coming my way with the RHOBH and it will dull the pain RHOA will surely bring, even if only just a little.

Advertisements

Real Housewives of Whatever Survival Guide

pay attention2Read carefully.  The well kept secrets shared below could save your:  dignity, reputation, career, marriage, and/or  life  (I’m not sure, but I think that last one was a wee bit of an exaggeration).  There are just three simple rules for surviving the Real Housewives of Whatever:

1. Timing is everything!

If your friend/neighbor/family member/acquaintance has been cast on a real housewives show AND she invites you to stop by during a taping session, you know – just for drinks and giggles. For the love of trashy tv DON’T DO IT!  The more famous you are, the more likely it is that you have been made a sacrificial lamb. Did the invitation come wrapped in a tear-stained envelope?  That, my friend, is what is called a clue.  Those tears are yours.  You just don’t know it yet.

If curiosity about seeing how the sausage is made is killing you and you decide that you simply have to go, first ask yourself if you’ve ever shared a deeply private and painful experience with this person, swearing her to secrecy.  You did swear her to secrecy? The second step is to put your attorney on speed dial.  Ask if said shared secret is covered as part of a verbal non-disclosure agreement. If the attorney says no, then for the love of trashy tv DON’T DO IT!  If the attorney says that it is covered? DON’T DO IT.

Ok, I get it, I get it.  You are still not persuaded.  Then the only thing left to do is pray!  That secret is almost guaranteed to be exposed. It will happen as part of a drunken rambling, “slip of the tongue”, or it will be slammed down on the table like a winning hand of poker.  Count on it!  Word to the wise, drinks and giggles with a Real Housewife of Whatever are probably safest between hunting filming seasons.

Even between seasons, don’t tell a RH your secrets.  Seriously. Don’t.

2. Travel light OR Not at all!

You survived drinks and giggles.  To make it all up to you, the Real Housewives have invited you to take a vacation with them, and being a glutton for punishment you agree to go.  You’re traveling by car, you say?  If you have the option,  sit in the backseat!  Yeah, I said the backseat. Need I remind you?

Sure, they can still get to you when you’re sitting in the backseat, but at least make them work for it.

Ah.  You’re going boating?  You should be safe, you say?  You are ADORBS!  You won’t be swimming with sharks, you will be boating with them!  Don’t go out on the deck alone with a Real Housewife.  Make sure there are witnesses at all times, and don’t count on the production crew to save you – you don’t think they care about ratings?  Your humiliation (or worse) is golden on film!

“Aren’t you taking things too far?”,  you ask.  No.  No. Not really.  Well, maybe a little, but probably not by much.  Real Housewives of Whatever roll like that, I think.  I’ve heard. Well…it’s been said that they can be treacherous!  To be on the safe side, make your own accommodations and stay in an undisclosed location!  Taking vacations with Real Housewives may require you to keep your lawyer and your therapist on speed dial!

Am I the only one imaging RHOBH’s Lisa Vanderpump giving Brandi Glanville the “Fredo Kiss”?

3. The enemy of your Real Housewives of Whatever enemy is definitely your  friend!

 No?  Your friend/neighbor/family member/acquaintance would never betray you like that?  Cute.  I see you’ve never watched the show.  Awesome.  Well here’s one more piece of advice.  If you haven’t taken a self-defense class, give it some consideration. When you take that self-defense class, you might as well add your trainer’s number to your speed dial along with your attorney and therapist.  Running out of speed dial options?  Screw your friends and family, they can’t help you now.  You have willingly, and naively, entered into a fight for survival (physical, psychological, emotional).

It’s not a Real Housewives of Whatever party until someone gets slapped, punched, kicked, threatened, intimidated, or arrested. Any and all of those events could happen over breakfast!

So friends, this is my last warning.  You can’t say I haven’t tried. If you decide to tag along with your real housewives pal, joining her for drinks and giggles, skip the drinks and keep a side eye on the giggles.  She could be laughing at you, not with you.  I think it’s safe to say that some of the Real Housewives are a cross between  Keyser Söze, Lucrezia Borgia, and Niccolò Machiavelli (Yes, the latter of the “Machiavellic” fame.).  In your shoes, I’d count on more  Keyser Söze than the other two:

If you fail to heed my warning, it was nice knowing ya’.  If you decide that I’m too cynical, and that you are perfectly ok in the hands of your reality show pal, well trash-tv god love and protect ya’. By the way, I have a real estate transaction I’d like to discuss with you when you have time – and don’t be alarmed, it only looks like swampland in the pictures.  It’s a grade A golf course worth millions, you cutie pie.

More trouble ahead for the Parks-Nida Family?

RHOAParksNidaYou’ve probably read your fill regarding Apollo’s arrest and alleged activities, at least until more details are posted!  Reality Tea has a fair number of new details posted (Click here).    What viewers haven’t paid attention to is the long awaited defamation suit against Angela Stanton and then Stanton’s countersuit against Phaedra, now scheduled to take place Feb. 4th.  I wouldn’t count on that date, friends and readers.

Given Apollo’s recent arrest, I would imagine that Phaedra’s new legal team will want more time to digest Stanton’s claims.  Yes, NEW legal team, if  the earlier report from “Rhymes with Snitch” is accurate.  I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall to know why they dropped her as a client.   As if the lawsuit and countersuit weren’t enough, UrbanBelle Magazine  picked up in 2o13 where Hip Hop Daily left off in its  earlier conversations with Jessica Lacy Voker (the 2012 conversation linked above, the 2013 conversation linked below).  

Who is she Jessica Lacy Voker?  She is the woman who claims that Phaedra is the godmother of her child, and a long time family friend.  Last heard from, she was also planning to write a tell-all book. In prior interviews JLValleges that:

  • Phaedra was connected to a prostitution ring, one that she (JLV) claims to have run with her.
  • That Phaedra has her own criminal past beyond that  – and that she believes Apollo’s hands are cleaner than his wife’s
  • Phaedra’s partying got a little dirty at times
  • Phaedra slept with her husband and helped wreck her marriage.

Hip Hop Daily’s 2013 interview posts  text messages Jessica claims to have exchanged with Phaedra regarding a “party” she was planning for pro athletes and needed to, ahem, procure few women to get the party going.  You can hear Jessica, in her own words, discuss her relationship with Phaedra.  Like Stanton, if she’s making it all up, she’s either pretty damned convincing or I’m pretty easily fooled.  If she’s lying, it’s one of the few times I’ve been fooled by something like this.

P.S. … Phaedra is not the only RHOA targeted in Jessica’s account of the shady side of life in ATL.  I’ll let you discover that one on your own – but it most likely won’t surprise you!  I have no doubt that the feds are giving the accusations from both Stanton and Volker against Phaedra a second look, given Apollo’s current legal issues.  The claims made by alleged co-conspirator St. Julien, aka, the “Right Hand B–“, are so shockingly similar to those of Stanton that they are too troubling to not investigate.  Even though there are NO charges (None, nada, zip, dead air -nothing there) against Phaedra at this time, I have no doubt that even if his wife is innocent, she is now most likely under investigation because of his alleged actions.

Innocent until proven guilty?  Yes.  Feds with wiretaps?  There are no words. Ultimately, between Apollo’s case, the suit against Stanton, Stanton’s counter, and now Jessica Lacy Voker’s claims and possible upcoming book, the Parks-Nida is in a position of potentially losing it all.  Their reputation has been marred and the cost of fighting these claims will become, if it hasn’t already been, a serious financial burden.  This is a real American tragedy.  If it’s true, these are people who were on the verge of having it all, only to throw it away.  If it’s not true, and neither is actually guilty, this is a family that will most likely never be able to remove the stench of this case.

Is this the price of reality TV?  Is  there something about this format that causes people who might not otherwise have been able to withstand public scrutiny in some other setting to sign up for reality TV – which then becomes the televised forum for their ultimate downfall (Parks-Nida, Giudices, Lauritas, etc)?  What kind of people are being attracted to this form of media? Are we all in the dark?  Are there stars in other forms of media (television and film in particular) having the same kinds of problems, but with better PR and management teams to handle their risky business issues and other legal troubles?   Somehow I doubt it.  Reality TV seems to be it’s own worst enemy.

Do you agree with Wendy Williams that it’s time to let Phaedra go?  Bossip on WW and PP, April 2013