Ok…I’ll play, All My Children

It’s interesting how the slightest bit of dialogue can divert a viewer like me into a place where she creates her own dialogue.  Last week, Kendall opened the door to Ryan-self-styled-god-of-all-men-gift-to-all-women Lavery.  He opened with the statement… “Am I…?”… how he finished that statement is a mystery to me, because immediately in my mind I envisioned Kendall completing that sentence with:

a tool?  Yes!

a boil on the ass of humanity?  Yes!

the man any woman would punish herself for waking up next to?  Yes!

a narcissistic son-of-a-bitch darkening the doorstep of all decent townfolk? You betcha’!

I spent much of the time following his opening statement continuing with a  list of what I thought of as appropriate responses to his query.  Unfortunately, by the time I woke up from the haze,  Zach was nuturing “poor Reese” and my stomach muscles gave way… making it possible for me to relive my lunch.  The next time some says “better going in than coming out”, I’ll know FIRSTHAND what they mean.

AMC has a curious problem.  Great characters, save a few, an incredible history, and like GH, probably one of the most recognizable soaps in daytime.  People who’ve never seen a daytime soap have probably heard of Erica Kane, the show’s signature diva.  They’ve at least heard of  Susan Lucci if they’re not sure of the character she plays.

So why the commitment to such SUCKAGE!?!??!

David and Krystal?  They WORK as a couple.  I don’t know why –  other than the fact that both are a little bit/whole lot sleazy and always seeking to prove to others that they’re not.  Maybe it’s that they’re both equally deluded about Babe’s status as a (once) living saint – that’s a lot of deluded thought between the two of them.    David and Krystal don’t need the added stupidity of trying to steal Little A away from JR (throw in a “Spike” here and a “Greens” there and the writers should really rethink the nicknames for their characters).  It’s tired, it’s old, and the idea that they have to wrest custody of  ‘precious’ away from ‘the Dark Lord Sauron” keeps me from tuning in more than a day or two at a time.  AMC is just too painful to watch!

I don’t know if the writers are intentionally playing this storyline for comedy but it’s working as comedy for me.  David, probably the biggest sociopath in AMC history,  is concerned about JR raising his grandson. Heaven forbid that JR only teaches the kid to drink excessively rather than how to slip drugs to unsuspecting women, among David’s other fine acts of ‘heroism’.  JR has had fits of madness on occasion, but he’s a damned better person than David has ever been.  And speaking of what once was:

The current show makes me long for:

  • the days when Brooke English and Erica Kane were chewing scenery in a knockdown drag out.  I think it’s time for Brooke tocome back, adding a bit of dignity to this show, and to have the upperhand on Erica.  It’s time!
  • the possibility of seeing anyone named Tyler!  I miss the Tyler’s and the expanded Martin clan.
  • Tom Cudahy.  I want him back full time as well.  What conflict would there be with Tom and Brooke remembering Laura, and his current relationship with Olivia (are they still together)?    Wouldn’t JR’s drinking storyline make more sense if he was mentored by someone who’d been there an survived alcoholism?
  • the days when AMC didn’t destroy it’s glorious ground-breaking history.  I’d accept any storyline to undo the unabortion.  There’s just NO WAY Erica’s child came back from an abortion, NO WAY.
  • Nina and Cliff (no need for Bobby to return).  I want them around either full time or visiting frequently.
  • Opal and Palmer on frontburner, and possibly Daisy making trouble in their lives, but not because she wants Palmer, but because she believes she’s entitled to half his estate and we find out she actually is!  Imagine some odd couple sistuation in which Daisy and her new love live with Opal and Palmer until the legal mess is resolved.
  • a reach back in AMC history.  I wonder if Devon an Lynn ever met up in another place, at another time.  Are they together, now?  Could they return to Pine Valley and have NEITHER of them fall in love with Zach or become pregnant by him?  By AMC standards, the lesbians like ‘the Zach’.  Apparently they have to work hard to resist him.
  • Where is Mark?  Shouldn’t Erica have more family around her now?  She’s lost so much, and stands to lose more the way this show is going.
  • Dixie!  I want her back with Tad.
  • An Erica romance.  I want Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery to find happiness, at last.  How could Eric possibly do better than to be with Jackson Montgomery?

In short, I pretty much want anything other than most of what’s airing now.

Advertisements

Oh AMC writers, did you have to?

Soapgod knows I already hated Ryan “godofallwomenifonlyinmyownhead” Lavery, but you had to throw Reese in there too?  Let’s for one moment ignore:

1.  that Reese thought it was ok for a married man to impregnate her girlfriend without telling his wife (her girl’s sister).

2.  that she betrayed Binks with Zach and left her feeling insecure.

3.  that she even thought of leaving Binks and their daughters behind to return to Europe

4.  that she had a fiance she hid from Binks.

5.  that she snarks on Kendall as if KENDALL  has done something wrong.  She thinks Kendall hates her just because of the way she looks at her.  HA!  I look at her that way too!  I wonder if it’s possible for soap characters to catch viewers’ reflected images through the screen?  EH!  Of course not… but for a moment, I thought maybe Reese was mistaking the disgust viewers’  faces must show every time she dumps on Binks or Kendall to excuse her inappropriate relationship with Zach.

6.  Reese’s ridiculous overreaction to her mother asking if two of the guests at the bridal shower were also lesbians.  Mother Willians was curious, and she was smiling and laughing at the playful affections between the two friends.  Reese, in essence, created the picture of a robe-and-hood wearing bigoted mother who hates all others different from herself.  It’s too bad that her mother only smacked her once.  I wanted her to give Reese a slap from me, too.

Oh Reese, projection much, dear?  Worried that your mother is uncomfortable with you identifying as a lesbian, though she loved you enough to put her issues aside in order to be at the shower supporting you?

WHO, exactly, is uncomfortable with your identification as a lesbian?  Ah, that’s right, YOU are.  It’s why you keep swapping saliva with your bride’s brother-in-law.  To hear Reese whine that ‘those people’ make her question who she is is pretty much akin to nails on a chalkboard.  Maybe in her world ‘those people’ is actually code for ‘MY ACTIONS’.  Darlin’, it’s impossible for ‘those people’ to make you forget who you are.  You NEVER had an idea who you were/are/is/whatevah.

Even if we could forget all of that, is there any hope of salvaging this character?  Is there anything left to her, other than her fabulously talented portrayer, Tamara Braun?  Is it time to kill this one off and bring her back as her far more likable twin sister?  Too often used?  I see what you mean. 

It’s time for Annie to pull a two-fer, Ryan and Reese… Tamara Braun could turn up as a long lost Zacchara cousin… Could fans stand to have three of the four actresses who’ve played ‘Carly Corinthos’ on screen together?  I’m willing to give it a shot if it means we get rid of Reese!

4 words: Monkeys. Typewriters. Locked Rooms

You know the old writers’ insult, “Monkeys banging on typewriters could do a better job!” Imagine if you not only handed a room full of monkeys a set of typewriters (uh, keyboards), but you then locked them in. Well… that’s ONE way to force them to concentrate on completing your scripts, but watch out! Locking them in a room might add insult to injury and monkeys are pretty vengeful. They also have a pretty wicked sense of humor. Make sure you READ the scripts before you film and then air them for long suffering fans.

One Life to Live

Bitchy Marty, Bitchy Tea, Bitchy TeBessica… ‘effin.love.them.all.

Jessica apologizing and groveling at Natalie’s feet? No thanks. I felt sympathy for Nat “the outsider” for about 10 minutes. I’m over it. She’s still sleeping with the man who cost her sister’s husband his life. An accident? Sure… after months of deceiving him and destroying everything he’d built for his family. I’m hoping Tess and Bess have teamed up to finish taking Nat and Jared down – without plotting anyone’s death, by the way. Abject misery is enough for me, thanks. Tea taking guff from Blair? I don’t think so. Tea and Blair live different realities. Tea is a badass by nature. She’s shown tremendous growth and change and I love how spunky she is. Blair? Badass, on occasion, doormat more often than not. The woman slept with Spencer Truman just after Todd, the ‘great love’ of her life, was sentenced to execution. Despite every reasonable warning to the contrary, she made Truman a part of her children’s lives. My money is on Tea. Marty Saybrooke being left alone with Janet Ketring/Lee Halpern? Seriously, were the monkeys also STONED when they banged out that moment? Writers, keep an eye on the script monkeys, they’re making you look bad!

It’s annoying enough that Bo and Nora’s situational ethics drag every other living Llanview resident through the muck, but Bo and Tahlia leaving JK/LH alone with an angry and self-destructive Marty? The woman tried to force Todd to commit suicide for what he did to her (with JK/LH’s help). So they let her confront JK/LH, alone, wearing a coat which could very well have contained a weapon, and carrying an uzi sized purse? They actually LEFT the motel? I have to say, violence isn’t my thing, but I got a chuckle out of JK/LH cracking a vase over Talia’s head and taking off. Too bad Bo didn’t get one of those, as well! You’d think JK/LH was a witness for the defense  for as careless as they’ve been about her safety.  It must be nice to be pals with people like Bo and Nora. They use their offices to go after people you don’t like if you’re a friend, no matter how flimsy the evidence, nor the cost to the good folks of Llanview.

Oh, and locked-away-typewriter-banging monkeys? Less smug from Antonio and Nora, please. They’re on the side of RIGHT, and they leave me wanting to see Tea wipe the smug off of their faces – unless that’s what you wanted and then I feel played (well done). If I’m wrongfully faulting you and it’s the choices made by the actors, please speak to the director and ask him to handle it.

The Bold and The Beautiful

Bridget is a designer now? You magnificent vengeful monkeys, you! You really did get the last laugh, didn’t you? I wish I could laugh with you, but I can’t. It hurts. Did you have to pay the writers back at the viewers’ expense? An accelerated undergrad preMed program, supposed ‘years’ of study in medical school. Internships, Residency, saving lives, bringing babies into the world, bringing her aunt Katie back from the dead, saving her brother from jail following Phoebe’s death… and Bridget wants to give it all up to start designing for the company that just ripped off her father’s and brother’s newest collection. Bridget… giving up medicine for THAT!

She’s doodled haute couture  gowns for years and was just too afraid to tell anyone?  Her work is even better than life-long designer Clarke Garrison… stuff she sketched when not practicing medicine 23/6 and no one knew?  Uh, because despite the fact that EVERY one of her adult sibs, her nieces and nephew, and BOTH of her parents work in the fashion industry, she was too afraid to tell them she has a passion for fashion? Ok, works in your universe, but typewriter-banging-monkeys, if the writers don’t feed you, refuse to type out scripts on an empty stomach. It makes you a little loopy.

This wouldn’t hurt so bad if it weren’t a follow up to the “fabulous Paminis”… Pam Douglas, insta-designer with a CROCHET technique so secret that only Pam can churn out the one of a kind hot yarn bikinis… So what is Bridget’s Auntie Pam kicking out? 20 a day in the Forrester sweatshop? Monkeys, explain yourselves! Is there something in the air at FC that makes anyone who passes through the hallowed halls a genius in the design world (all except Clarke it seems)?

Guiding Light

Alan wanting revenge against a cheating Beth? I get that. For once in his life, Alan is as devoted as he’s ever has been to a woman, maybe the most faithful he’s ever been. (Beth hasn’t been faithful to anyone since she was a teen) She  gives birth to his child, while still raising his grandchildren and making him part of their lives.  Then she cheats on him. He now knows that he’s met his match in Beth.  No one loves Alan as much as he loves himself.  Ditto on Beth. He’s sleeping with his mirror image and it’s driving him mad, life is a cruel mistress, Alan.

I WANT Alan to make Beth miserable, and not for his sake, but because Beth is supremely selfish and sucks as a person. BUT…Alan grabbing the letter opener, TWICE (something TPTB aired when the scenes picked up with a third and fourth time during the next day’s episode, too)? Good mercy. Giving the audience the impression that he would just as soon plunge the opener into her heart because his heart was broken? YIKES!

I don’t remember Alan being violent with women, especially not to the point of contemplating a brutal death for one. He likes owning and controlling women, but he likes owning and controlling everyone. He usually shows more finesse. The old Alan would have had Coop arrested on some trumped up charge, claimed ‘Company’ for himself – leaving Buzz penniless, and set Beth up to think she was going crazy again just to get custody of Peyton. He would have done it all before lunch!  He actually would have kept Buzz on at the restaurant he stole from him and had Buzz SERVE him lunch. Alan is psychotic, but he’s no thug.

Monkeys, you owe the GL writers an apology for what you’ve done to their beloved Alan Spaulding. Shame on you.

All My Children

Zach. Killing Josh. Fathering Gabrielle. Eye-boinking with Reese. Expecting Kendall to understand. Vicious little typewriter-banging-monkeys… You’ve outdone yourselves. I actually like the potential fallout from this one. No criticism, here. This is all soapy goodness. AMC was lucky to have you on staff when you wrote that part of the plot. Kendall, forgive Binks, Reese, and Zach. PRICELESS!

While you’re at it, write that script where David Hayward is loving and unselfish, Adam Chandler has sworn off manipulating the people he loves, Erica Kane gives up designer clothes and all other perks of fine living, and JR Chandler stays sober! See how silly it all seems that anyone would expect forgiveness from Kendall? Whatever she does to them, they’ve got it coming. Maybe Zach should keep a picture of his happy parts in a safe location. The doctors will need it when they’re working on the reattachment and reconstruction!

I can’t give you a pass on Amanda’s pregnancy, however. Does anyone remember the last daytime pregnancy where the mother knew who her child’s father was (Binks excluded, of course) and there was no scandal around the pregnancy? (Whoops, Binks back in!) Why another contested paternity? It’s not like there’s been a shortage of them.

Then again, you’ve been writing for Annie and she’s freakin’ wonderful, so it all evens out in the wash!