He said what? The Brass Cojones Awards

If there was a Brass Cojones award for daytime males, I’d have to nominate the following four characters:

3 – The YnR’s Victor Newman. Victor recently referred to rival Jack Abbott as an arrogant S.O.B. As soon as I regained consciousness from laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe (hence the passing out), I realized that Victor has a brass pair so big that the man must wear TWO pairs of pants to contain them.

This is the man who told the love of his life, mother of most of his children, that she would still be a stripper in the dive bar he found her in if it weren’t for him (a bitterly cruel thing to say to a woman at midlife, dontcha’ think?). Apparently, he helped her grow a brain, get a little ambition, and become a person of virtue.   ::swoon::   Sure, if it weren’t for him, she’d still be sliding that pole, not a thought in her head, gigglin’ and jigglin’. Victor just wanted her to know that.  And they say romance is dead!  Victor should be happy that he married Nikki and not a woman who would have taken half of everything in a divorce, including half the brass.

2 – OLTL’s Jared Banks. Jared recently offered to help Clint Buchanan keep hot-stuff David Vickers from finding out that he was the rightful heir to Buchanan Enterprises. He wants to make sure the company stays in the hands of the ‘original family’.  Oh yeah, people, he used THOSE words.

In the process of agreeing to help Clint, Jared- the soulless recast his own attempt to defraud the Buchanans, by pretending to be the rightful heir to Asa’s fortune, as an act of ‘protection’.   He and Natalie were only ‘protecting’ the Buchanans from David’s evil greedy dirty deed doing self. The problem is that Jared stole David’s share of BE from the ‘original family’ before finding out who the real heir was. He did it out of greed – and revenge against Tess. It’s an act that cost the family its company and allowed Dorian Lord to take over.  It was also an act that resulted in Nash Brennan losing his life.

Will someone let me know when Jared is gone? For good, that is.

Tied for second is the dark shadow, prince of pain, the man who works at trying to make morose look hot:  Johnny Boy McBain.  Does it astound anyone else that John is self-righteous about Marty drinking and sexing her anger away?  Does it strike anyone else as odd that it’s how McBain was introduced, and how he’s lived as a character the entire time he’s been around?

Does McBain care because he wants what’s best for Marty?  Does he care because he’s jealous?  Is it just the case that it’s hard to look at the female version of himself (down to the black clothing)?

I keep waiting for someone to ask John why it’s ok for him to turn blue skies gray and grunt his way through relationships that end up leaving the women who love him shattered and feeling used.   I was hoping it would be Marty who took him on.

3 – ATWT’s Jack Snyder. It takes a lot of nerve for a man to bring second mortgage papers for his ex-wife to sign for the home she still lives in with their children. It takes even more nerve to ask her to let you take out a second mortgage to allow you to buy your new wife and her kid a home. You’d think that would be enough, right? You don’t know Jack, then.

Jack earns the ‘Brass Cojones’ award for telling his ex-wife, as the second mortgage papers are sitting on her desk, to not accept a loan from the town’s mustache twirling villain: Craig Montgomery(pictured right).  Craig, it appears, is so evil that  Carly’s utter devastation and loss of all of she has left, professionally, is better than accepting his money.  Sure… It’s much better that Carly be unemployed and in debt from a bad business venture.  It’s much better that she spend her days hoping Jack and Janet take a break from sniffing the fantasy laced room full of flowers and sunshine in the new home built from her children’s financial security long enough to pay back the second mortgage so that she doesn’t lose her home, too.

If you’re keeping count, Jack wears FOUR pairs of pants to hold his brass in and even then there’s a little spillage.  It’s not pretty.

What, are you NEW?

The Bold and the Beautiful

Clearly there are new writers on board.  There HAVE to be! How else can you explain the highly emotional grief scenes following Phoebe’s death!?!?  It’ s been a long time since I’ve cried over BnB scenes because they were so highly emotional.  Usually if I’m crying over a BnB scene, it’s because of the self-pity I feel knowing I haven’t been able to break my BnB viewing habit.

Jacqueline MacInnes Wood was pitch perfect and completely sold me as the soul shattered twin sister unable to fathom living the rest of her life without her other half.  Together with Ronn Moss  ‘Steffy’ and ‘Ridge’ broke my heart opening the bag containing Phoebe’s personal effects and gingerly removing each time… a shoe, a bag, a hair clip, on their own -each with seeming no real value, now invaluable because of the fact that Phoebe wore them in her last moments.

I shuddered when I saw the door to the hospital morgue.  I waited for the gratuitous and exploitive “bloodied and battered” Phoebe  images.  I was wrong. The writers handled those scenes with a sensitivity rarely seen on this show. They’ve done us proud.  For the record, if there is a new team at bat, HIRE THEM… they’re good. If it really is the same writing team, what the hell? Why aren’t we getting this level of writing more often? I don’t even need it daily, just more frequently than we’ve been treated to the past… say… 6 or 7 years!

Young and the Restless

I’m sorry.  I think I’m losing my hearing.   I thought I heard Lauren express shock at Gloria’s self-centered behavior and her willingness to allow an innocent party to be blamed for something they hadn’t done.  I was shocked that SHE was shocked. Two words:  Ashley Abbott… Two more: Face Cream.

Are the writers confused?  Is there another character named Gloria living in fictional Genoa City?  There has to be, because otherwise the writers could never have written those lines.  Instead, they would have had Lauren tell Gloria that it’s time she STOPPED allowing others to pay for her lies and her selfishness.

Apparently Kay Chancellor isn’t the only GC resident with a look-a-like, and not the only one suffering from memory loss.

BTW, Phyllis, seriously?  It’s not like this is the FIRST marriage you’ve broken up, what’s up with that plan to split Jack and Sharon? What would make her think that Sharon would immediately run to Brad?  If Sharon is getting close with Nick, again, and she becomes a free woman, wouldn’t it make sense that she’d have to keep an eye on her wandering, philandering husband?  Great going there, big red.  Phyllis is just a little rusty at manipulating others.

One Life to Live

Oh sure… kill off Nash, bring back Tess, add new alter for Jessica, and then hook her up with the ‘new Nash’.  In this case, I think the writers think WE’RE new.  Can Jessica please have a love life that doesn’t revolve around alternate personalities and psychiatric care? Please? I’ll admit, I love Jess/Tess/Bess and Brody, I just wish the writers hadn’t used the same plot line they used to pull Tessica  and Nash together.

I can only assume that it’s tacit admission that getting rid of Jess and Nash was a FOOLISH move, especially for  a storyline that had enormous potential  ending with a whimper and not a bang.  The revenge storyline became diluted and distracting when it got in the way of other, less compelling, storylines.  Natalie and Jared replacing Jessica and Nash as the show’s hot young couple felt like a pipe dream from the beginning.Nared-Jatalie (whatever couple name they’ve earned) are a chemistry challenged couple that makes ‘romance’ feel like a four letter word -and not fun dirty four letter words, either.

I don’t understand the writers’ fascination with Natalie and Jared as a couple and I also don’t understand the sudden forgiveness for their actions.   It was Jessica who was angry, and felt betrayed.  Jessica watched her husband die.  Jessica held him in his last moments.  Jessica had to tell him about a child he’d never get to hold.  I don’t want Jessica to hate her sister the rest of her life, but the idea that she’s now beyond what’s happened, and that it’s ok that Natalie and Jared are caring for her children just seems odd.  At the very least, what should make Jessica’s recovery so difficult is being conflicted, both feeling guilty that Tess took things so far -but still feeling betrayed and feeling angry about their role in Nash’s death, and their role in her family’s financial difficulties in losing BE.  To have Natalie and Jared back in good stead just feels hollow and rings false.

Thank goodness I have Gigi/Rex/Shane to take my mind off of the rest of it. I love that Shane still loves his hero father, Brody, while being willing to slowly get to know his biological father, Rex.  I think it’s realistic for Shane to be confused and still love the man he’s thought of as his father his entire life.  I love that he’s a sensitive and loving child.  I love that Rex is patient, and respects Shane’s feelings.   I’m actually looking forward to more of this little family.

Days of Our Lives

Oh, I should have known.  Nicole Walker Dimera (emphasis on Dimera)! What have you done?   WHY, writers, WHY?  She loves Brady so much, to think that she would try to send him back to his addiction to protect her pregnancy lie?  That’s far too vicious, even for Nicole.   How could I have fooled myself into thinking the writers would make the character capable of anything else?  Oh well… I’m in for the long and the short of it.  Nicole will have to face whatever she has coming.  It will be well deserved.   If she succeeds in the long run, move me to the ‘love to hate’ column for a while.   Eventually I’ll find a way to forgive N.W.D.  for her dastardly actions… I’m so weak.  The writers always get me when it comes to this character.

As The World Turns

Oh dear.  I’ll bet you thought that Carly would be vindicated! I’ll bet you thought that the magnificent Snarly had Janet and her demon seed dead to rights, right?  HA!  What are you, NEW?  This is As The World Turns. Everyone turns on Carly, including her own children.

Parker forged Carly’s  signature, Liberty encouraged it, and it was ‘all good’ because their criminal activity was only about making someone else happy, namely Janet.  Sure, Janet is more deserving than most people.  It’s ok for her to want a 5k wedding gown, marrying a man with three children, making a cop’s salary.   Seriously?  That she never looked at the price tag is no excuse, in some ways, it’s WORSE that she didn’t look.  Did she really believe that an upscale boutique would have cheap gowns?

Parker has to humiliate his mother in front of Janet and Liberty.  Great. He forged the signature on his trust fund check to make Liberty happy… and that’s Carly’s fault.  They were willing to continue lying about it until they were caught… and that’s Carly’s fault, too;  she’s just an evil angry jealous bitch out to stop their happiness (uh, huh, despite the fact that she AGREED to let her jackass ex- take out a second mortgage on their house to pay for his wedding to another woman).  This is the man who attacks Carly for the kind of mother she is, NEVER thanking her for raising a child HE brought into their marriage (JJ)  after initially abandoning her and their other children, for JJ and his mother, batshit crazy Julia2.

I’m ready to give up on As The World Turns.  It’s not JUST the Kick the Carly storylines that are doing it for me.  The KTC storylines are symptomatic of a larger problem- the overall lack of balance on this show.  I think I’ve had my fill.  Someone contact me when the ‘Kick the Jackass’ storylines start (Jack-Janet, take your pick!)

Just  a word of caution, writers… viewers who are raising, or have raised, children are NOT entertained by a smart-assed obnoxious kid like Parker. It’s tiring of having the  show held hostage by the writers’ interpretation of teenaged hormones gone awry.  Liberty-Parker sex scenes, groping, lusting, crying, conspiring, and now attacking Carly for having LEGITIMATE concerns.  Get a clue, folks.  Surely JJ is missing his brother, by now.  It’s time to send Parker and Liberty away to school.

She’s baaaaaack! ATWT-OLTL-BnB- YnR

Where to start, where to start!  OH!  I know!  I have news, folks!  You may miss the old boards from the now defunct, but much beloved, Total TV Online!  There is still a companion site (message board)  for the “Sound and Fury” blog.  You can access that site by clicking HERE.

As The World Turns

Carly is BACK, the Carly that so many fans have grown to love.  Carly is a cross between one of daytime’s greatest romantic heroines, and a walking disaster.  Today, we got to see a little of both, more of the former than the latter.  I believe that Carly has been sincere in her odd couple friendship with Janet.  There’s no malice between the two women and Carly wants to see Jack happy with Janet, for his sake, and that of their children.

The trouble is that despite her best efforts to do the ‘right’ thing, she finds herself in trouble every time.  I groaned a bit when she found herself getting hot and heavy with Jack.  Other than the family they share together (and yes, I’m including Parker and JJ as ‘theirs’), nothing good has come of Jack and Carly being together.  Each of those brief periods of time when they shared love and happiness were quickly replaced with some wild attack on Carly’s character, by Jack.  A little crying, a lot of clinging, and too much verbal abuse.

Even still, watching Jack and Carly fall back into bed wasn’t as shocking as I thought it would be.  They’re much too addicted to the self-inflicted pain not to keep going back for more.  It’s Carly’s guilt that was shocking.  That she pushed Jack to be upfront and let Janet know he was in the bedroom before he could stay her was brilliant.  That’s the girl, Carly.  Don’t let Jack pull his standard hit-and-run routine.  I’ll give the guy credit, he did score points by admitting that he’s been a judgmental jerk all these years, but he lost those points FAST by trying to sleep with Carly knowing he still had feelings for Janet.

To see him working on Carly, playing on the emotion she still had for him, and to then have him run back to Janet?  What a putz! Carly is much better off without the guy.  Jack thinks of himself, first.  He always has. If only the writers would hire an actor to play a credible love interest against MW’s Carly.   Brian, perhaps? I’m just not yet ‘digging’ this guy with Lucinda.  I think I’d rather seen John Dixon back, and paired with ‘Lucy Walsh’.  I miss John and Lucinda and their passion.  I have na ulterior motive for suggesting a Carly-Brian pairing.

Maybe Carly can distract Brian so that he STOPS telling Luke to avoid being ‘political’.  I find it hard to believe that Luke standing up for himself and supporting the Gay Film Festival would have a negative impact on his foundation.  (Uh, when did Oakadle U become ultra conservative?)  Brian needs a life… FAST!  Rather than telling Brian that she and Luke need him, it’s time for Lucy Walsh, cutthroat businesswoman that she is, to come back.  I miss her.  It’s time for the REAL Lucy Wlalsh to tell Brian to hit the bricks.   1 –  Lucinda has always had such a deep love for her grandson.  It’s hard for me to believe that she can’t see what’s going on with Brian, and what the potential impact is on Luke.  I just can’t see the writers as being true to her character if they continue to allow her to want Brian, in light of his treatment of Luke and Noah.  2 – Lawrence Lau is HOT, and I’d love to see his character out of such a creepy storyline where he’s trying to suppress Luke’s self-exploration.   Luke is finding his voice.  Brian is becoming increasingly less attractive trying to suppress it.

AND, since we’ve seen more of Kim this month than in the last several months (or so it seems), please make sure when you bring her back more frequently, writers, that you bring back the brilliant woman we’ve all loved for so long.  Kim was the victim of a mad stalker (Oh how I miss the days of the Douglas Cummings storyline). Hopefully she recognizes the signs soon, and works to help Katie with the Spencer incident.  Kim’s been there, done that.  I’d love to have her realize sooner, rather than later, that Katie has every right to be concerned.

Young and the Restless

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon, my friend.  You can’t make a good husband out of a man-whore.  Remember those words of advice.  I only regret that I forgot to include Nick Newman on my man-whore list, when I included his father.  (Read that HERE)  Nick hasn’t met a woman, throwing herself at him, that he doesn’t like.  Having said that?  I can’t help loving Nick and Sharon, despite the fact that he’s an unfaithful pig.  Nick and Sharon are their generation’s Nikki and Victor (er, without the pathology that has begun to pervade the Nikktor relationship).

Short of Nick’s cheating with slimey Grace Turner, and Phyllis (serving as Sharon’s ‘placeholder’), there was a genuine love and a sense of family that Nick and Sharon shared that neither has really had with their respective new spouses. For me, Phyllis will always be the woman who went to bed with a man while his wife was still grieving their dead daughter.  Nick and Phyllis’ relationship is at romantic as a zombie orgy (sorry, it’s close to Halloween and the commercials for haunted houses are getting to me).

What happens in Paris stays in Paris?  OH, let’s hope not.  Let’s hope that Nick does penance for being a complete idiot and cheating on Sharon, realizes what a horrible mistake he made, and goes home to his real family.   He needs to be with his true wife, Sharon.

Besides, the only time Phyllis was remotely interesting was when she was a freakin’ bad girl, and during her marriage to Jack.  Outside of that?  She hasn’t had much to offer.

One Life to Live

It’s been so good seeing Viki, so good in fact that I feel guilty having this small complaint:  Are fans to believe, that in a house the supposed size of Viki’s mansion, she wouldn’t notice that her basement had suddenly become MUCH smaller?  If there was enough space behind the sliding wall to build a ginormous room, complete with on suite bath, you’d think she’d notice SOMETHING was wrong.  EH! I don’t care, I’m just glad to have Viki back.  Now it’s time to reunite Viki and Clint… We’ve been so patient.

Viki must love the relationship between her sister, Tina, and “Jessica”/Tess getting along.  Oh, if only she knew! The most enjoyable part of One Life To Live (and dare I say the only watchable part of the show?) has been watching Tina and Jessica go at one another.  The only person tough enough, and devious enough, to handle Tess is Tina, and heaven help the show if/when Tina or Tess goes.

While Grand Dame Titans Tina and Tess are tearing each other apart, maybe the writers will let Viki serve up a little cold hard justice to brother, Todd.  You’d think that Todd would have learned his lesson from letting Blair think their son Jack was dead.  Now he’s planning to do the same to Starr, in order to take her child and raise it.  I get the saying that history repeats itself… I just don’t know why it’s always the LOUSY history that repeats itself in daytime.  Oh Viki, between Todd, Tina, and Tess, you have your work cut out for you.

Bold and Beautiful

Er, what? Taylor’s back to her lying, sneaky, and underhanded ways?  WELL!  No shock THERE folks!  I seem to remember THIS Taylor, the one scheming and plotting to get what she wants, and putting a ‘concerned’ face on it.  Let’s see, she advised Brooke to stay with Eric, for the children’s sake, even though Brooke was unhappily married to the man.  Then she (Taylor) pursued Ridge, the man Brooke loved – knowing Ridge loved Brooke and was waiting for her to leave Eric.
Taylor advised Eric to tell Stephanie their marriage was over and there was NO chance of him returning to her.. after she listened  to her ‘best friend’ cry about Eric not loving her… and then Taylor moved on Eric, herself.  Now she’s telling Ridge that the fates were probably keeping him and Brooke apart because they probably weren’t meant to be together.  Taylor, would those be the same fates that caused Ridge to walk out on YOU and not look back?  Funny how those fates only work against others, never against her.  Ah, hypocrisy.  The REAL Taylor is back… the “me first, me last, me always” Taylor.

MAGIC! GL-GH-ATWT-DAYS- AMC

Gudiing Light

Crude?  Yes, and forgive me, but what the hell are the Foley boys packing in their pants? It must be magic! Cyrus supported freeing his pathologically criminal brother – Tammy’s murderer, and Cassie finds herself covering for Cyrus, knowing he’d stolen her neighbor’s stereo.  Oh, wait… ‘swoon’… he broke into her neighbor’s house for HER SAKE!  Yes, she was ‘grateful’/’impressed’ that he did it after she complained about the noise the neighbor made blasting the blessed thing all night long.  She even gives Cyrus a key to her home to come and go!  Her son RJDOES still live with her, right?  OY! There’s dumb, and then there’s Cassie. Another move made FAR too soon.  It’s tough enough to not lose lunch over the Cyrus/Cassie friendship, but that she’s not giving him a key to come and go from her home?  I don’t think so.

As The World Turns

Whatever the Foley boys are packing, the Snyder boys must have it too- only twice as much! For the first time in a LONG time, I didn’t feel sickened watching a Jack Snyder scene.  (The Snyder pants magic must be working on me, and I’ve never slept with a Snyder… oh yeah, they’re just THAT good!)  Jack was so sweet and so caring to Carly that I couldn’t believe it was the same man.  I’m chalking it up to Jack being down on his luck and feeling bad about his role in hiding evidence in Brad’s assault case.  The sure sign Jack is packing ‘magic’?  Carly tells Janet that she (Janet) is ‘good’ for Jack even if he doesn’t yet know it.  Sure, the first wife always happily passes her ex on to a woman whose behavior is equally outrageous and who doesn’t have to suffer the same verbal abuse she did.  Carly playing matchmaker to Jack and Janet?  Toothpicks in the eyes folks, toothpicks in the eyes!  Something I hope to never see again!

What I’d rather remember is that there was a brief and shining moment when I liked Jack – when he seemed human again.  Those moments never last long but they’re golden when they happen.

Days Of Our Lives

Bo-Hope fans have been debating about the promotion to top cop and asking why Hope hasn’t finally been advanced to top cop in the Salem PD.   Good question. For some, the answer is simple.  She doesn’t have the same work history.  I thought about how disturbing it is that the writers have been so inconsistent about Hope and her commitment to her job.  She’s been kidnapped, lost her memory, home raising children, home mourning lost children, you name it – it’s happened.  The oddity is that through most of that, Bo was at her side. He hasn’t exactly been on the job much more than Hope.  Putting my two cents in, I would have loved to have seen Hope rise in ranks.  Salem is going to need a tough top cop to deal with what’s coming…. tease tease tease…

Speaking of teasing… so, Days writers, What the hell?  The Nicole Film Noir episode was one of the BEST episodes of the last year (maybe two) in daytime.  It was funny, dramatic, sweet, and all around high brow storytelling… it was MAGIC (had to throw that in there).  I loved that fact that her Film Noir fantasy kept Philip Kiriakis captive.  He couldn’t tear himself away from her tale of lust, love, betrayal, and M-U-R-D-E-R – neither could I!  Nicole, casting herself in the role of loving and faithful wife, EJ as the smarmy cheating husband, Sami as the squeaking voiced addle-headed man stealer… WOW! 

Fan tribute featuring critical scenes:

Direct link for those who can’t play the above video.  Click HERE

Well done.  Was there anyone who doubted that Sami would come to a tragic end in Nicole’s story?  Loved it.  I wish more daytime writers gave their actors a chance to stretch – step out of their traditional roles. If any soap could earn a “Best Drama” Emmy from so few scenes, Days of Our Lives is the odds on favorite!

What does DAYS have going for it these days? Nicole ‘Snarky’ Walker.  Hers are the only scenes you’ll kick yourself for Fast-Forwarding!  Here is a collection of scenes (past and present).  Zuker’s return has brought with it a strong fresh wind!  Whatever TPTB have paid her?  It’s just not enough.

General Hospital

How cute were Dr. Drake and Dr. Scorpio in their discussion about naming baby Drake-Scorpio/ Scorpio-Drake?  If nothing else on GH works, Robin and Patrick always will (though, I probably shouldn’t have written it down).  I have the worst timing and I usually end up on the wrong side of soap history.  The minute I love it, the writers have grown tired of it and kill what I love.  This time, however, I have to believe that the writers aren’t going to shake apart this family tree.  They’ve done enough by destroying CarJax.  They wouldn’t dare touch Patrick and Robin, and baby Scorpio-Drake, would they?  Oy.

I’m tempted to give up on my theory that Laura is a figment of Lulu’s imagination, especially after yesterday’s meeting between Laura and Lulu, and the doctor.  Something was just a little sketchy there, folks.  I guess we’ll find out what that is later.   Ok, even I can admit that it’s FAR less likely to be the case, now.

All My Children

Bianca returns AND she’s bringing back a girlfriend (No, not Maggie).  For those who haven’t heard, Bianca comes back with friend/love interest ‘Reese’, as played by Tamara Braun (GH, ex-Carly Corinthos #2).  Tamara Freakin’ BRAUN?  What, is it my birthday?  Ms Braun was completely and utterly wasted on Days of Our Lives.  The storyline never fit the character.  Ava’s storyline started out pretty bad, and quickly went downhill from there.

Bianca is always a welcome sight for the sore eyes of AMC fans, who love and miss their faves as much as any other fanbase.  I’m most curious about how the fans will receive Ms. Braun, especially given  her ties to Bianca.  Both women, Eden Riegel and T. Braun, are fearless actresses.  Now what they need are fearless writers to give them a storyline bold enough to pull AMC out of the ratings lower deck… hell, ALL AMC characters need a fearless team of writers to return the show to its former glory… DOUBLE HELL, all of DAYTIME needs fearless writers to get the genre out of the ratings basement.

Why writers? WHY!?!?! GH – ATWT

General Hospital

For a number of reasons, I haven’t been watching much GH (yeah, even if you set aside the writers destroying Carly and Jax, the continued obsession with Sonny and Jason, the putridness of Jason and Liz – I just haven’t had as much interest in GH. Now… if only I could break the habit of watching even occasionally! ) I’m still wondering how the show managed to trick me into actually liking Robin – a character I’ve disliked for so long!  I’m also trying to figure out why Spinelli drives me “less crazy” and why I’m rooting for Spinelli and Maxie.  I love them.

I’ve tuned in enough to wonder what General Hospital writers plans are for Laura’s eventual disappearance.  It seems too easy to simply send her back into a comatose state.  It also seems a bit cruel to do that to fans who love Laura and don’t want to see her go back to that state.  I’ve tried to buy into Laura’s desire to not see her sons because she doesn’t want them to get their hopes up that this time she’s ‘cured’ and that she’ll be home for good. Something just feels false about it. Why wouldn’t Laura want Lulu to have her brothers to comfort and support her if/when she (Laura) goes back under?  Given Lulu’s own fragile mental health, why would she want her to be alone if things go bad, again?

Does anyone else wonder if Laura being awake is a figment of Lulu’s imagination? Considering the fact that the hospital staff is on Nikolas’ payroll, why wouldn’t anyone contact him to let him know that Laura is awake?  Wouldn’t obsessed Scotty make sure the staff notified him of any change?  Do the members of the hospital staff actually ‘see’ Laura or pretend to do so, for Lulu’s sake?  Is that why Laura conveniently disappears whenever someone the family knows shows up (Nikolas, Tracy Q, etc)?   Imaginary Laura would mean that once Lulu is completely well, it won’t be so cruel for her to lose her mother, because she was never truly back.  It was the spirit of Laura Spencer that showed up to support Lulu, and that’s something Lulu could handle.

BTW, Genie Francis, no matter how brief her return, makes it evident that GH can never be the same without her.  Why TPTB are so content to keep letting her go is a mystery to me.  Laura anchors the old GH, the GH fans loved heart and soul, to the new GH.  I’d love for the writers to use the option of having Laura decide to go off on her own adventures for a while, maybe with a plan to track down a permanent cure for her illness – with her family’s blessing and her mother at her side.  They’d stay in touch with her, monitoring her progress and talking with her daily-  in case she needs help.   It’s not ideal, I know, but it’s a darned bit better than letting Luke travel the world and finding love again, while Laura remains tied to a chair, staring off into space for years at a time.  The thought of Laura ‘out there’, happy, living life, serving some greater purpose is far more meaningful to, and respectful of, the love fans have for maintained for the character and Laura’s portrayer, Genie Francis.  When Lulu loses Laura again it will feel as if we’re all losing her.

ATWT

You REALLY don’t have to work that hard to get the audience to dislike certain characters, daytime writers.  Some of you take the line and push it as far as you can take it!  You don’t have to do anything at all to get me to dislike ATWT’s Lily Walsh.  I haven’t liked her since she was a teenaged girl, with few exceptions.

Heather Rattray wasn’t the most popular recast for the character, but I loved her.  Lily had been a whining, sniveling, mewling character before Heather came along – Martha Byrne played her as the spoiled heiress she was.  Heather gave adult Lily an edge.  She was an unapologetic bitch goddess who REFUSED to feel bad for taking what she wanted.  HR gave her the ‘Walsh’ edge.  It was the one and only time I could believe that a whiner like Lily was raised by a cutthroat businessperson like Lucy Walsh.  Sadly, it didn’t last long after the actress left the role.  The writers preferred the ‘spoiled heiress’ approach (and even I missed seeing MB’s face in the role even if I didn’t care for her version of Lily!)

The only other time Lily was even slightly interesting to me was when she married Damian Godofallmen Grimaldi.  True to form, the writers ruined that too.  Lily cheated on Damian with Holden… cheated in the belltower of a CHURCH, no less.  Damian forgave her and Lily and Damian went on to create some of the hottest scenes in ATWT history – during the period of Damian’s recovery.  Sex scenes?  No, Lily and Damian never needed them.  They had a smoldering passion that would have made a sex scene anti-climactic, literally and figuratively.  Slight touches and shared glances were enough to communicate more about the passion they felt, than all of the Holden/Lily sex scenes, combined.

So, what have the writers done to reaffirm anti-Lily fans’ beliefs that the character is more often a waste of space than not? They shove Lily back into ‘revenge sex’ mode.  That woman has had more ‘revenge sex’ than any other daytime (or prime time) character I know.  It’s how she lost her virginity for crying out loud!  She slept with Dusty to teach Holden a lesson.

Imagine that.  Lily has revenge sex for decades, her son can’t get laid by the man he loves.  What a wacked out set of priorities ATWT’s writers have when it comes to telling love stories (Nuke) and lust stories (Holden/Lily/any third partner). 

As much as the character has always annoyed me, it annoys me MORE that viewers are put in the position of faulting Lily for being a careless mother in order to have revenge sex with Mike, after believing that Holden was about to get close with Carly, again.  Seriously, writers?  Incredibly rich women like Lily would  have a staff of nannies on call 24/7.  She wouldn’t have to run off to meet her lover ‘assuming’ someone would show up to take care of them. 

She was so eager to have sex that she was willing to leave a child she nearly lost in the care of a child who’s had a history of emotional difficulties, without knowing that an adult was supervising them until their father arrived?  BULL!  Ethan falling down a hole is just punishment for Lily’s actions?  BULLCRAP! You’re also asking the audience to accept Ethan’s pain as part of Lily’s consequences.

Children are plot devices to YOU, writers, not to the audience – fictional or not.  Yes, yes, Lily’s at fault, and this storyline is awful no matter what the outcome is supposed to be.  Possible outcomes:  A Lilden reunion?  Holden fighting for custody?  Jack, done with Janet AND Carly, running to Lily’s rescue?  Faith going off the deep end?  Lucinda fighting her daughter for custody?  Mike, leaving town out of a sense of guilt?  Whatever the outcome, it wasn’t worth the tactic taken to advance the storyline.  Shame on you, writers.. SHAME!

The other character making the top of my ‘most annoying list’?  Jack Snyder! The devolution of my feelings for Jack moved from: loving the guy, to feeling sorry for him for always throwing love away to save his pride, to becoming tired of his self-righteous prig attitude, and now I’m at the point of simply despising the man most days.  Jack, for all of his talk of honesty and loyalty, has YET to be faithful to any woman he’s loved.  He’s cheated on every woman he’s dated or married.  With Julia1 it was Carly.  With Carly it was Julia2, until he ‘betrayed’ Julia2 and went back to Carly.  With Katie it was Carly.  With Janet, it’s Carly again.  Jack kissing Carly, behind Janet’s back?  No skin off my nose, but there he is sandwiched between Janet and Carly, telling Carly that she was right about him all along.

Jack’s life is so charmed.  Even when he makes mistakes, good things happen to him.  I could only take his position, sitting between the two women, as evidence that soon Carly and Janet would end up in some deathmatch cage – beating the unholy hell out of one another with each believing that SHE was the better woman for Jack.  Jack would sit back, smiling on the inside/feigning outrage on the outside – and telling the world that he was ‘torn’ between the two women.  He always is.  Whenever he cheats, it’s noble.  He’s torn between two women he “loves”.  Any woman who cheats on him?  She’s just loose and/or cheap.  It must be nice to be Jack Snyder.

Even still, it’s time for the writers to beat back Jack’s cartoonish nature and make him a real man, again.  I can only imagine what a relief it would be to see Jack behave like a romantic lead, once more.  If I never hear Jack screaming at a woman, see him scowling at her, watch him tear a woman down into nothingness… it will be too soon.

Bad Day – Worse Day – Just Be Glad That…

Bad Day?  Your mother wants you to call her new boyfriend ‘uncle’ (Liberty Ciccone, As The World Turns).

Worse Day?  He really IS your uncle.

Just be glad that… he’s your father’s brother and not your mother’s brother!

Bad Day?  Your mother sleeps with the man you love.

Worse Day?  Your GRANDMOTHER sleeps with the man you love (Chelsea Brady, Days of Our Lives).  It sucks to have a hot grandmother, doesn’t it:?  Kate Roberts has never been the type to sit home and bake cookies.

Just be glad that… he didn’t sleep with your great-grandmother.  Dude, you just can’t live something like THAT down.

Bad Day?  Your favorite daytime soap goes dark.  A show that was once filled with love, romance, and laughter is now a show about death and destruction.  I’ve never forgiven General Hospital writers for killing Justice Ward and stuffing his body in the trunk of a car.. Justice FREAKIN’ WARD… a Quartermaine heir!  Fargin sons of bastiges!  ICEHOLES!

Worse Day?  Not only does your beloved show cling to the dark side, featuring an endless “murderous mobsters with hearts of gold” storyline, they begin casting actors who are renowned for playing mobsters in film and primetime.  Sopranos onscreen capo Vicent Pastore (Big P), welcome to the show.  Just know that we don’t fault YOU! 

Just be glad that…  the dipwads in charge didn’t cast Pee Wee Herman as the new mob boss.  GH’s lollipop mob already lacks credibility.  Danny Vermin was more believable as a mobster. They don’t deal drugs, they don’t push prostitution (any more), they don’t take protection money… Good luck, Vinnie P.  You may have just lost YOUR mob character cred!

Bad Day?  You find out your psychotic sister, Pam Douglas, hasn’t been taking her meds in more than three months (Stephanie Forrester, BnB).  She decides to ‘protect’ and help you by tying your rival to a chair, smearing her with honey, and enticing a bear to attack the ‘hot tamale’ now married to your husband…

Worse Day?  She fails.

Just be glad that… oh hell, there IS no silver lining here!  She FAILED!

Bad Day? AMC’s Erica Kane has a bit of a fit when she finds out that her protege has spent the night with a man she still deeply loves.  It prompts a battle between her inner angel and inner devil.  The inner devil wins.

Worse Day?  No one notices, Erica’s inner devil almost ALWAYS wins.

Just be glad that… Erica doesn’t have a twin!

Bad Day?  Your husband’s tragic and violent death triggers your alter personality to take over and cause you to turn into a raving lunatic who develops an evil plan for revenge (Tess/Jessica Nash, OLTL).

Worse Day?  No one notices the change in behavior.

Just be glad that… well, I was going to say ‘see Erica Kane’, but Jessica IS a twin.  Just be glad that she hasn’t been widely exposed, yet.  Tess is such a great bad girl and Jessica will be home, soon enough.

Bad Day?  You risk your own life to rescue an ex-husband who likes to periodically remind you that you were once a stripper.  He tops it by telling you you’d be nothing without him. (Nikki Newman, Young and the Restless).

Worse Day?  When you find him, he’s such a bastard, you forget why you wanted to rescue him in the first place.

Just be glad that… you’re not the recently deceased ‘Mrs. Great Man, herself’ he’s grieving for.  What’s that?  Oh, I know that the recently deceased ‘Mrs. Great Man, herself’ has a name, but she’s married to ‘The Great Man, himself’, so whatever HER name was just isn’t important.  Don’t beleive me?  Just ask Victor!

Bad Day?  Your sister-in-law poisons you and no one figures out it was poison until much later (BnB, Eric Forrester).

Worse Day?  She nearly took you out by adding an overdose of potassium to the lemon bars she bakes for you.

Just be glad that… your name is not Dixie Martin and that AMC writers aren’t penning this storyline.  Dixie was killed by posioned peanut butter pancakes! It’s rough out there in soap land, no wonder they’re all so skinny.  Daytime characters need food tasters.

Bad Day? You pay a man to ‘scare off’ a woman you hate.  You save her just as he’s about to sexually assault her – you save her because you’ve just found out that she’s your daughter. (Olivia Spencer, Guiding Light).  He later kills your friend’s daughter and eventually escapes prosecution.

Worse Day?    You offer to pay him to sleep with you because you’re lonely.  Oh yeah – they roll that way on Guiding Light, these days! 

Just be glad that… you’re not watching.  I’ve seen the ratings, you’re not!

Daytime’s Parenting Sweepstakes (Updated)

Bold and Beautiful.  Who’s the bigger loser in the deal, Marcus or Donna?  My money is on Marcus.  WOOHOO, you find your biological mother and she’s a former model, rich as creases, and now in charge of a multimillion dollar conglomerate.  What’s not to love?  Oh, just the fact that she’s nutty as a fruitcake (see Forrester Creations ‘takeover attempt’).  Not enough?  Add that she’s dumb as a stone!  How is it that young Marcus knows enough to be suspicious of Owen and Donna is falling for his act hook, line, and sinker?

If Donna loved her ‘honeybear’ as much as she claims, or her son for that matter, Owen would have been out the door.

All My Children – JR and Adam.  Adam is on the losing side, in this case.  Just how many times can JR turn his back on his father and try to make Adam ‘pay’ for (insert incident)?  His attempts to take over Adam’s company and/or fortune are becoming as commonplace as his change in hairstyles. 

He can forgive Babe for every mean and nasty thing she’s done to him, including having one night stands just weeks after they were married, and running off with his child AND his brother, but Adam is the devil incarnate?  What AMC needs is MORE Adam, and even an Adam clone or two (hint there, JR).  Given what’s transpired on this show the past couple of years, Adam is the least threatening person in Pine Valley… so far…but give him time.

One LIfe To Live – Starr and Todd.  It’s a draw!  The mini-me Starr has become is absolutely intolerable to me.  She’s demanding, obnoxious and completely out of control.  I hate it women, in general, are blamed for their children’s behavior, but I think it works in Starr’s specific case.  Blair shares some of the blame.  Carrying Todd Manning’s genes set Starr up for a very difficult life, to begin with – but there was a least some chance of escaping her destiny to make life miserable for as many people as possible.  Blair hasn’t done Starr any favors by having little-to-no guidelines for developing a sense of self control. 

While Todd moves to one extreme, appointing himself Starr’s Lord and Master, Blair moves too far in the other extreme – wanting to be Starr’s best friend.  Hey, Blair, Starr has enough ‘friends’ – they helped get her in the situation she’s in now.  She could use a parent.  She’s sorely lacking one.  While Starr is working hard trying to place her child for adoption, she should be looking for a placement of her own.  Make sure to take Jack and Sam with you, kid!

As The World Turns – Puberty (Parker and Liberty).  Isn’t it grand that their parents have FINALLY figured out that these kids need supervision, AFTER they were caught in bed together?  Before that?  The only parent who made time for either of them, and tried to keep them in line was Liberty’s father, Brad.   Brad is a lone salmon swimming upstream, when it comes to parenting.  He actually focuses on his daughter more than his own sex life.  Imagine that! 

Oh that Carly and Holden, and Jack and Janet.  Theirs are the ‘F’ bombs that just keep giving and taking.  They get their freak on and their 16 year olds get their freak on in response!  Ain’t that grand?  Summer love never seemed so  backwards.  Well, we know the outcome for OLTL’s  Starr and Cole – a child she wants to give up for adoption, one he wants to keep and raise.  The problem is that the OLTL storyline is weak, and without much merit as an example of the difficulty of teen pregnancy ( read more in the blog below “Jumping the Shark”).  All of the issues that make the OLTL storyline a weak one are issues that make a strong case for a teen pregnancy storyline for ATWT’s lusting cousins, ‘Puberty’.   

Both kids are from families that are hardworking, middle class (lower middle, or upper lower for Liberty and her mother, Janet).  Raising a child WOULD be a struggle for Puberty, neither of which has a trust fund, slew of servants, or enormous mansions to raise their child in.  Both are teens who rushed into sex, even while using birth control that neither probably knew how to use adequately or responsibly enough to be protected. 

There was no emotional commitment between Parker and Liberty prior to having sex.  Would they want to raise a child together?   This pair would give a more realistic look at the emotional angst of having made a decision they weren’t ready for and the angst of dealing with loivng a child enough to give it a great home with parents who were ready to love and care for it.  I’d hate for a Puberty pregnancy storyline (if there was one) to become as sensationalized as Gwen’s pregnancy storyline.  I’d love to see daytime portray teen pregnancy realistically and with great deference to the hardships of real life teen parents.  Since this is daytime, and almost no storyline is offered without controversy, let me offer the following:

Parker could turn to cousin Luke to help him.  He’s not ready to be a father, and yet he’s not ready to see his child placed with strangers. At LEAST two options are now available.

1 – Luke decides to adopt his cousin’s child.  He talks it over with Noah, and Noah agrees to give him whatever help he can.  It leads to them spending more time together and getting even closer – even if they’re not ready to be a full-fledged family.  Can they survive Luke becoming a single father and splitting his time between their relationship and his son?

2 – Luke and Noah decide that they’re ready for a long term commitment and raise the child together, as a family.  They agree to adopt the Puberty baby together.  This storyline, by the way, pulls Luke and Noah out of the ‘late teen’ trap the writers have been keeping them in to avoid their emotional and physical connection – which now makes even less sense given the explicit and graphic Puberty romp. 

In either case, Luke/or Luke and Noah adopt the child, agree to help raise him, and end up fighting Janet  and Brad on the adoption.  Janet opposes for religious reasons.  Brad opposes because he wants custody of the child and plans to raise it with Katie.  Both Liberty and Janet thinks it’s too much to have the child raised as Liberty’s sibling and fight Brad.

What’s that, you ask?  Haven’t NUKE been through enough?  I get the point, and understand why it would be hard to watch another ‘anti’ storyline when it comes to these two, but I think a storyline about adoption could be a great way to address the issue of whether cultural ideas about adoption involving GLBT parents is more myth than reality.   This would be an opportunity for the writers to debunk myths and to open the discussion about the more than a half million children in this country who need homes, and are barred from living in the context of a family with same sex parents because of unfounded fears.

I think the writers have exhausted the focus on Luke and Noah as ‘good guys’ with hearts of gold.  I think they’ve done enough to show us the stereotypes about gay males are just stereotypes.  It’s time to move them into family mode.  It’s time to fully integrate these characters and give them a meaty storyline that isn’t just about ‘coming out’ and dealing with ‘being out’.  They’re out.  It’s time for them to become as real as any other character on canvas.

Update:  I’ve just been informed that Noah is roughly 20, Luke 19.  It wouldn’t make much of a difference to have Nuke become parents at such a young age instead of Puberty.  Too bad the writers haven’t SORASed them as they have so many others.  Nuke, mid 20s?  They’d make great parents.  It’s just a few short years away.

Lord help the mister…

who comes between me my sister,

and lord help the sister,

who comes between me and my man!

The Bold and the Beautiful, One Life to Live, Guiding Light, and As The World Turns.  What do they have in common?  Vengeance and betrayal – fanfreakintastic!

The Bold and The Beautiful – Felicia Forrester has been one of the most sexually liberated and unapologetic women in daytime.  She doesn’t boast about her sexual conquests, much, but she doesn’t shy away from them either.  How many soap vixens remember, as fond times, dancing on tables in nightclubs while continent hopping?  Even still it’s not hard to believe that she’d have a hard time accepting a woman who seduced her brother AND her father in the same ‘little kitty’ lingerie.  Sex is recreational for Felicia.  It’s a weapon in Donna’s hands.   I get it, but c’mon, Felicia, you think Donna is a golddigging tramp on top of everything else?  You’re setting her up to be unfaithful to your father and then plan to hit him with the evidence of her infidelity?  Evil, pure evil.  Remind me to send a Christmas card to the writers! 

Is she a hypocrite?  Well, yeah she is but this is daytime, who isn’t? It will be interesting to see what Owen has up his sleeves – other than finely sculpted, beautifully toned arms.  My guess is that he chickens out now, and ends up falling for Donna and sleeping with her, later. Oh sweet irony.  It’ll be when he genuinely feels something for Donna that he’ll end up costing her everything.  Either way, Felicia takes Donna down, and I can’t say that I’m unhappy about it.  I am a little freaked out that Felicia feels that it’s her duty to reunite her aging parents (see the live blog of today’s BnB that follows this blog).

One Life to Live –  Tess is truly a “take no prisoners” character, D.I.D. aside.  She prefers to kill them off instead.  OUCH! Clearly nothing is left of the sainted Jessica.  She would never have allowed Tess to cut the brakes on Natalie’s car.  It’s that Tess showed no concern for Viki after finding out that she’d climbed into Nat’s car  that was even more frightening than the first time Tess appeared.  Does anyone else remember how early Tess rolled with glee on the kitchen table when Viki was carted off to the hospital – suffering from a heart attack?  THAT Tess is back.  Not only did she not show a moment’s concern for Viki’s safety, knowing that Viki is careening down the highway unable to stop the car, she immediately moved to ‘Plan B’. 

If she wasn’t going to get to enjoy learning that Natalie and Jared had died in a fiery crash as she planned, she’d take care of them another way.  She’d feed them a poisoined meal, all while waiting for Viki’s unlikely return.  How could they believe she’d so quickly forgiven them for killing her husband?

I take it back Felicia Forrester, you’re just a spoiled brat.  TESS is evil, or angry, or delusional, or all of the above.  She’s switched from grieving wife and mother to population control specialist in the matter of a couple of weeks.  Uh, scary!

Guiding Light – Will someone tell me why the writers think that it’s entertaining to watch teens with raging hormones turn on everything and everyone who’s ever loved them?  OLTL’s Starr Manning is tough enough to take.  Now GL’s “Daisy” is defending the man who killed her cousin, Tammy Winslow.  “G” was hired to ‘scare’ Tammy’s lover, Jonathan (who was also Tammy’s first cousin – don’t ask if you weren’t watching, I still can’t figure out all of the multiple connections).  Tammy pushed Jonathan out of the way and ended up losing her life.

GOOD NEWS!   It turns out that “G” is really, REALLY sorry.  Case closed.  Tammy’s already dead, so what’s the ‘diff’? (If your name is Daisy).  Sending “G” to prison won’t bring her back and besides, “G” makes her sooooooo feel good.   So far, emotional trainwreck that she is, Daisy has stolen food and money for “G”, is fighting with her grandmother, and has just walked away for her family for him.  She ‘find a place to live’ she says – as she’s visiting “G” in jail.  Just guessing, but he won’t be able to offer her the use of his cot.  Good luck there, Daisy.

If you’re not a Guiding Light viewer, then it won’t surprise you to learn that Daisy is lonely.  Her current boyfriend is on the run with her mother.  Her mother is protecting him from being prosecuted for shooting Springfield’s District Attorney.  Good times. Good times.  And great choices!  Methinks Daisy travels with her own Greek Chorus!

So… when writers SORAS characters, why can’t they skip the teen years?  Hells bells, I think most of us get enough teen drama and trauma at home.   Daisy, like Tess, has become a population control specialist, albeit in a slightly different manner.  She makes the case for using infallible birth control.  I never thought I’d say this, but it may not be a good idea for the Cooper clan to continue procreating.

As The World Turns –  Well, Carly fought the good fight – but Holden is a manwhore, dontcha’ know? (see blog below on “Daytime’s Greatest Manwhores”).  She had no choice but to give in.  That man was going to follow her to the ends of the earth to prove that fidelity is for the little people, HE is Holden Snyder.  This is the man who had an illicit affair in a Church bell tower, with the wife he’s CURRENTLY cheating on – when she was married to someone else.  The question is, how badly will Carly have to pay for this one?  Holden won’t pay. He rarely ever does.  Lily can be a bit of a dirty fighter when she wants to be so Carly may be in real trouble this time.

Lily fans will excoriate me when I say it, I’m sure, but if there’s to be bloodshed, I’m hoping it won’t be Carly’s!  Either Holden is going to have to pay the price, or Lily.  YES, I said it, LILY!   At some point Lily is going to have to ‘woman up’ and realize that she continues to return to a man whose pants are most likely held together by velcro to help enhance the ‘rip away’ effect when he tears off his pants with each new affair.

I’m not blaming the wife.  I’m blaming the couple – Holden AND Lily for playing out this tiring psychodrama year after year, partner after partner. 

EH!  Don’t get me wrong, I think Carly is behaving like a bit of a doof to allow Holden to put her in this position (fighting. urge. to. avoid. bad. pun.).   I only fault Carly for thinking she’ll be a ‘special mistress’ to Holden.  He’s a troubled, troubled man.  Each mistress is special, until the next one comes along.

By the way, honorable mention  for the ‘help the sister’ award goes to Margo Hughes!  I blogged about Margo’s behavior a few days ago but thought  that this is one case in which a picture truly is worth a thousand words – and possibly worth 25 to life.  When you seduce and become pregnant by Margo’s husband, you probably don’t want to make the foolish mistake of becoming sexually involved with her son just a few years later.  The woman is a cop and carries a gun, for pity’s sake!  If you are that stupid, Emily, don’t have sex with her son, in her home, AND get caught: