Bad Day? Your mother wants you to call her new boyfriend ‘uncle’ (Liberty Ciccone, As The World Turns).
Worse Day? He really IS your uncle.
Just be glad that… he’s your father’s brother and not your mother’s brother!
Bad Day? Your mother sleeps with the man you love.
Worse Day? Your GRANDMOTHER sleeps with the man you love (Chelsea Brady, Days of Our Lives). It sucks to have a hot grandmother, doesn’t it:? Kate Roberts has never been the type to sit home and bake cookies.
Just be glad that… he didn’t sleep with your great-grandmother. Dude, you just can’t live something like THAT down.
Bad Day? Your favorite daytime soap goes dark. A show that was once filled with love, romance, and laughter is now a show about death and destruction. I’ve never forgiven General Hospital writers for killing Justice Ward and stuffing his body in the trunk of a car.. Justice FREAKIN’ WARD… a Quartermaine heir! Fargin sons of bastiges! ICEHOLES!
Worse Day? Not only does your beloved show cling to the dark side, featuring an endless “murderous mobsters with hearts of gold” storyline, they begin casting actors who are renowned for playing mobsters in film and primetime. Sopranos onscreen capo Vicent Pastore (Big P), welcome to the show. Just know that we don’t fault YOU!
Just be glad that… the dipwads in charge didn’t cast Pee Wee Herman as the new mob boss. GH’s lollipop mob already lacks credibility. Danny Vermin was more believable as a mobster. They don’t deal drugs, they don’t push prostitution (any more), they don’t take protection money… Good luck, Vinnie P. You may have just lost YOUR mob character cred!
Bad Day? You find out your psychotic sister, Pam Douglas, hasn’t been taking her meds in more than three months (Stephanie Forrester, BnB). She decides to ‘protect’ and help you by tying your rival to a chair, smearing her with honey, and enticing a bear to attack the ‘hot tamale’ now married to your husband…
Worse Day? She fails.
Just be glad that… oh hell, there IS no silver lining here! She FAILED!
Bad Day? AMC’s Erica Kane has a bit of a fit when she finds out that her protege has spent the night with a man she still deeply loves. It prompts a battle between her inner angel and inner devil. The inner devil wins.
Worse Day? No one notices, Erica’s inner devil almost ALWAYS wins.
Just be glad that… Erica doesn’t have a twin!
Bad Day? Your husband’s tragic and violent death triggers your alter personality to take over and cause you to turn into a raving lunatic who develops an evil plan for revenge (Tess/Jessica Nash, OLTL).
Worse Day? No one notices the change in behavior.
Just be glad that… well, I was going to say ‘see Erica Kane’, but Jessica IS a twin. Just be glad that she hasn’t been widely exposed, yet. Tess is such a great bad girl and Jessica will be home, soon enough.
Bad Day? You risk your own life to rescue an ex-husband who likes to periodically remind you that you were once a stripper. He tops it by telling you you’d be nothing without him. (Nikki Newman, Young and the Restless).
Worse Day? When you find him, he’s such a bastard, you forget why you wanted to rescue him in the first place.
Just be glad that… you’re not the recently deceased ‘Mrs. Great Man, herself’ he’s grieving for. What’s that? Oh, I know that the recently deceased ‘Mrs. Great Man, herself’ has a name, but she’s married to ‘The Great Man, himself’, so whatever HER name was just isn’t important. Don’t beleive me? Just ask Victor!
Bad Day? Your sister-in-law poisons you and no one figures out it was poison until much later (BnB, Eric Forrester).
Worse Day? She nearly took you out by adding an overdose of potassium to the lemon bars she bakes for you.
Just be glad that… your name is not Dixie Martin and that AMC writers aren’t penning this storyline. Dixie was killed by posioned peanut butter pancakes! It’s rough out there in soap land, no wonder they’re all so skinny. Daytime characters need food tasters.
Bad Day? You pay a man to ‘scare off’ a woman you hate. You save her just as he’s about to sexually assault her – you save her because you’ve just found out that she’s your daughter. (Olivia Spencer, Guiding Light). He later kills your friend’s daughter and eventually escapes prosecution.
Worse Day? You offer to pay him to sleep with you because you’re lonely. Oh yeah – they roll that way on Guiding Light, these days!
Just be glad that… you’re not watching. I’ve seen the ratings, you’re not!